I couldn’t think of a more fitting description of the 2013 Victoria’s Secret show than “ass sucking”. This is ironic, because once again, there was barely any ass to be seen. Just like it’s been for the past 8 or 9 years, whenever a model is wearing panties that might even expose just the slightest modicum of ass, she’s in some fucking skirt, cape, or other costume that has nothing to do with lingerie and has no place in a lingerie fashion show.
I actually missed this years Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show when it originally aired since I was working, but just watched it tonight on YouTube. I’m grateful for that, because that means I was able to skip past all the meaningless interviews that are just put in as filler so the network can run the show for an hour and make more money. Damn you CBS.
There’s 1 singular reason why I and any other guy like me tunes into a lingerie fashion show - we’re pathetic, have no lives, and manage to get pussy about as often as February gets to have 29 days. We suck at life and we know it, so our only shot at seeing hot girls in hot lingerie is the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Well, at least 10 years ago we could. If I wanted to watch rambling videos about the personalities and paths traveled by the models to reach the stage, I’d be watching the Victoria’s Secret Personality Show. There’s no such thing, and thank fucking fuck there’s not. Even I wouldn’t watch it.
During one of the brief interview segments that I didn’t skip through, the models were talking about the Victoria’s Secret commercial they filmed in Paris. Again, no real ass to speak of here either. The only notable part of this segment was the fact that much to my annoyance, the models kept using the phrase “bra and underwear”. This is a phrase which makes no sense as a bra IS underwear. They’re called panties, please refer to them as such and give us dateless wonders a little bit of a thrill in our otherwise intolerable lives.
Getting back to the ass - there were only 3 notable (by notable, I mean non-blurred and lasting for more than 1 second) ass shots during the whole show. Even among these, the best only exposed around 8% of the girl’s ass. Then they put Taylor Swift up on stage who is hot as fuck, but she’s fully clothed. It’s like CBS took a gargantuan shit and then decided to grab me by the neck and rub my nose in it.
I know I’ve bitched about this before in my other Victoria’s Secret posts, but holy shit, stop with the fucking costumes. THEY ARE NOT LINGERIE. When’s the last time you wore 8 foot wings, a 4 foot wide boa, cape, helium ballon, or semi-shredded skirt under your clothes? Probably never, unless you enjoy being extremely uncomfortable and have really bad spending habits. Or maybe you’re a looner. If that’s the case, then maybe you actually would’ve enjoyed the show. If you’re lucky enough to not know what a looner is, look it up. I shouldn’t be the only one to suffer. Lingerie consists of bras and panties. If it’s not something a woman wears under her clothes, it’s not lingerie.
You could extend stockings and garters to the lingerie list, but that brings up another sore point. Why the fuck do so many of the models wear garter belts with dangling straps and no stockings? It makes no sense at all. It’s like going to a ski resort with only poles and no skis. Also, why do the models wear the garter belts right up by their tits? This isn’t 1940. Then again, 1940 wouldn’t be so bad, because then we’d still have the 80s to look forward to.
As usual, the musical guests were annoying as hell and completely unnecessary. I have always hated Fall Out Boy and having them at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was just barely less blood boiling than Justin Bieber being on it last year. It’s like the slightly better sensation of getting punched in the balls over getting kicked in the balls. Then there was some band whose members all looked like transvestites (in all seriousness, I don’t know what gender they actually were) and sang some irritating song about how they don’t look for trouble, but trouble looks for them. I don’t look for flaccidity, but it sure as hell looked for me tonight.
The other musical performer was some guy who played a piano and looked like the bastard love child of Art Garfunkel and a soda can. Every once in a while, one of the models would go by and rub her hand on the piano like it was supposed to be really hot or something. Note to all Victoria’s Secret models - that’s not sexy. Walk up to the piano and play it with your tits or just kick the Sodafunkel guy off the bench and moon the crowd. That I’d pay top dollar to see.
That’s it for this year’s review. Of course I’ll be tuning in again next year even though I know it’ll suck even more. Why will I be watching? It’s a combination of stupidity and involuntary celibacy.
One of the things that bothers me the most about being on Tumblr rather than Wordpress is my inability to fully optimize my posts. I know I’ve complained about that before, but ultimately it leads me getting even fewer hits than I used to and falling down in to the 50s and lower for search terms for which my site used to rank #1. Why do I bring this up now? The answer is simple: I fucking hate Tom Brady and want the whole world to know it.
If ever there was a poster child for the over-indulged, over-celebrated, and over-excused professional athlete, it’s Brady. The guy can do whatever he wants and be an asshole to nearly everyone, yet he’s still some kind of fucking folk hero. One of the things he’s most frequently praised for is being a great teammate. This is ludicrous, as he relates more poorly to his team than any other QB I can ever remember seeing.
When Tom Brady throws a pass that’s too high or too far down the field, he’ll stomp around and squeal at his wide receiver or tight end, insinuating that it was their fault and not his that the pass was wildly off-target. I guess when you’re as spoiled as Tom Brady, you think other people owe it to you to grow 20-foot long arms and have a 96 inch vertical leap. He doesn’t stop after the play either. Once the Patriots’ defense takes the field, you can still seem him pouting on the sidelines and continuing to piss and moan about the guy to whom he threw a pass that even Stretch Armstrong wouldn’t have been able to reel in.
Brady is like that one rich spoiled kid you knew growing up. Everyone had one of these little douches in their life. The kid who had the rich parents, had all the most expensive toys, wore the most expensive clothes, and would get preferential treatment wherever he went. It wasn’t good enough for him just to have it; he wasn’t satisfied until he’d rubbed everyone’s nose in it. The second one single thing, no matter how small didn’t go his way, the wheels would fall off and the tantrums would begin. Tom Brady to a T.
He gets to bang some of the hottest women in the world, and even that’s not good enough for him. He cheats on one supermodel with Giselle Bundchen. Why can’t I fuck a Victoria’s Secret model? Sure, I’m fat, balding, poor, and pathetic in most every way, but at least I can make it five minutes without crying. I’m surprised Puffs of Kleenex haven’t attempted to get Tom Brady signed for some sort of endorsement deal. “Patriots Puffs” - I can see it now.
The guy is just a complete douche yet everyone loves him. Shit, a former priest at a church I went to would even mention him in practically every other sermon. He’s single-handedly ruined the number 12 for me. I think he’s especially petulant this season because he misses his ass buddy Aaron Hernandez. Now that Hernandez is in prison, he’s probably made a whole slew of new ass buddies and Brady can’t handle that thought.
I hate Rob Gronkowski too. Every time someone says “Gronk Spike” I want to whip out a butcher knife and hack their vocal cords into microscopic bits. It’s not really that hard to throw a football into the ground unless you’re either paralyzed or missing your arms. Gronkowski falls into neither of those categories and therefore should not be lionized for doing something 99.99% of everyone else in the world could do just as efficiently.
Today Gronkowski played in his first game back after an injury and he didn’t manage to convert a single touchdown against the Jets. That’s good for my television set, because if the announcer called a Gronk Spike I probably would’ve thrown a brick through the screen.
Since the game has now been over for about 2 hours, my guess is that Brady is currently doing one of three things. He’s either still in the locker room chewing out guys who had nothing to do with the outcome of the game (even if they’re not physically present), sitting at home and crying next to 300 jars of Vaseline adorned with the number 81, or still on the field, curled up into a ball, crying, and ineffectually waving his hands about.
No professional athlete will ever have the level of scorn from me that Michael Vick does, but Brady is probably the guy who comes the closest. I wish they’d make a Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots game where one boxer was Vick and the other was Brady. Hell, I’m 30 and would never get tired of playing that game and I imagine anyone who’s neither a Patriots nor Eagles fan would feel the same.
As a side note, I’m getting pretty fucking tired of the expression “pick 6” being used when anyone throws an interception. The expression pick 6 is only applicable if the interception leads to a touchdown, but lately every announcer is using it to describe any interception. Some of them are pick threes, and some are pick zeros. It could also be a pick negative 2 if they player who intercepts the pass eventually gets backed into his team’s end zone and is tackled. Stop saying pick six.
For fuck’s sake. Lately I can never watch TV or drive by a billboard without seeing some reference to radio 104.1. For those of you who don’t live in New England, radio 104.1 is a shitty station that plays “alternative” music and is worshiped by nearly everyone in the region. I’ve never once voluntarily listened to it, but I think it recently came back after being off the air for a while. Either that or their current advertising campaign makes no sense.
I think it’s another part of the societal cancer that is ’90s nostalgia. 104.1 first got big during that decade and tried to brand itself as the rebellious and anti-establishment radio station, yet it was about as against-the-grain as breathing or walking. I would wager that 4 out of every 5 students I attended high school with owned a Radio 104.1 Fest (more on that in a minute) t-shirt, cap, bumper sticker, or something else related to the station that sets the world record for transmitting the most wallaby jizz over the airwaves of any other entity in history.
In the 90s and early 00s there was an annual event called Radio 104 Fest that every asshole I knew went to. They’d go and listen to all of their “rebellious” bands so they could be non-conformists just like everyone else. I’d spend my time wishing that there’d be some sort of electrical storm that would wipe everyone at the event out. Actually, that’s just retrospection. I was probably either at Wendy’s or at home watching porn.
They have a new series of commercials running on TV lately, all of which take place in a setting where some sort of violent disaster has apparently happened. Inevitably, there will be two people, one of them adjusting a car radio, and the other standing around looking comatose. Eventually, the radio guy manages to tune in to Douche Radio and the comatose person suddenly looks up in awe and asks what’s going on. At this point, the radio operator gets this profound look on his face and says something like, “It’s something great I listened to a long time ago…” Then the screen fades to black and puts up 104’s logo and states that it’s back on the air.
First off, the 90s haven’t even been over for a full 14 years yet. Secondly, 104.1 didn’t go down until some time in the mid 00s. Unless you’re pre-pubescent, a crackhead, or possibly both, anything from that recent of a time period should not seem ancient and mysterious. I cringe to think of what it’s going to be like in about ten years when the 90s nostalgia wave really hits in a massive shit tsunami. (Generally, it seems to take about 30 years for a decade to really start having its junk blown by everyone who was alive for it. Preserve the 80s started in 2009, so don’t blow the hypocrite whistle. On second thought, go ahead. At least the 80s are worth getting on your knees and blowing with all your might.)
Holy shit, the 2020’s are going to fucking suck. We’ll be seeing even more 90s nostalgia and the decade will almost definitely start with either Hillary Clinton or Chris Christie as president. Hopefully I’ll be living in Estonia by then.
Getting back to the subject at hand, Radio 104.1 sucks balls, so stop obsessing over it and acting like it’s Megan Fox’s vaginal ejaculation. They played all of the shittiest bands from one of the shittiest decades. I think the two I hated most were (well are, their format hasn’t changed at all) Green Day and Rage Against the Machine. You already know I fucking hate Green Day if you’ve ever been on this site before. I have not yet declared my hatred for Rage Against the Machine, so I’ll do that now.
This is a band that is the musical equivalent of the 2 girls 1 cup video. Mother of fuck, I hated them with every ounce of my being and still do. You’re certainly raging against “the machine” when you’re a popular band getting widespread airtime and having every little douchebag jr high kid on the planet walking around in your merchandise. Damn, that’s some hardcore anti-establishment shit right there.
That last paragraph reminded me of this obnoxious little shit I went to jr high school with who seemed to wear the same Rage Against the Machine shirt every single fucking day. He liked to pretend he was some kind of badass, walking around in his douche band shirt, BOSS jeans, and backwards cap. Too bad he lost all his “street cred” by way of being a middle class white kid who was about 4 feet tall and had a voice high-pitched enough to shatter glass.
This has probably been the most rambling and tangential article I’ve ever written. It just goes to show much ass Radio 104.1 sucks, because it’s in one way or another related to everything in the universe that sucks. Maybe if it goes down again, everything else in the world that I hate will disappear too. Then there will be little else left other than fast food restaurants and Cuban girls with gigantic asses.
It’s that time of year again. Football season is officially underway, the baseball playoffs are coming up and basketball season is on the horizon. Every year without fail, this is the time that hockey fans start yammering on and on about how much they love hockey and how much every other sport sucks. There’s only one problem - hockey fucking sucks ass.
There is absolutely no sport that is more boring to watch than hockey. It’s basically just soccer on ice and with sticks. Actually no, it’s even more boring than soccer. At least soccer (international soccer, not MLS which is about as irrelevant as this site) has hooligans. Hooligans make any event better, no matter how much it sucks.
Some people argue that hockey is fun to watch because of the fights. Hockey fights are not amusing in the slightest. With all the protective gear immobilizing the players, as well as the fact that they’re on ice skates, no real ass kicking can really occur. It’s like watching two marionettes duke it out. There’s just lots of entanglement and not a whole lot of real action going on.
The most annoying thing about hockey has to be its fans. They think they’re some kind of honorable brotherhood and if you’re not a part of it, you’re just a philistine who doesn’t know shit about sports. If you’re a football fan, baseball fan, or basketball fan, they think anything you say in person or post online is just idle bullshit but their hockey musings are pure gold.
There was this rotten little bastard I went to school with (same one referenced in the How I Met Your Mother post) who was obsessed with hockey. In 5th grade we had to write haikus about Christmas that would be put in to books that we’d bring home to our parents. All of that kid’s haikus ended up being about hockey and he couldn’t even get the 5/7/5 pattern right in any of them. Fucking bastard. Pepsi girl also was a big hockey fan. If you’re asking yourself, “Who’s Pespi girl?” this is obviously your first time visiting this site.
I was in Chicago this past June. I was there on business, not by choice. I would never voluntarily set foot in Shitcago. Anyway, I was there the night the Blackhawks beat the Bruins in the Stanley Cup Championship. Everyone was running around and going apeshit and trashing the neighborhood to an even worse extent of trash than what it already was, which was no easy feat. Even though I hate hockey and don’t watch it, those are my two most hated teams in the NHL. Boston and Chicago teams always get top priority hatred, with New Orleans coming up in a very close 3rd place.
The last time I even came close to giving a shit about hockey was when the Whalers left Connecticut and became the Carolina Hurricanes. I never went to a Whalers game and almost never watched any, but having 1 major league level sports team in Connecticut made it seem a little less pathetic, even if it was a hockey team.
Another irritating aspect of hockey is that due to the small size of the puck and its dark color, it’s impossible to see what’s going on half of the time. It’s like what you’d get if the TV networks draped a black cloth over the camera lens every 5 seconds during the broadcast of a real sport. The only thing that’s even remotely non-shitty about hockey is that one of the most commonly played songs at hockey games was written by Stompin’ Tom Connors, the greatest man in Canadian history.
On another note… no, forget it. Fuck hockey.
When it comes to music, if it wasn’t written between 1980-89 and/or by Social Distortion, The Butthole Surfers, or the Paxil Clowns, I pretty much hate it all. However, there are some that are exceptionally irksome to the point that every time I hear them played, my Shawcross Sense starts tingling. Unfortunately for me, most of these are/were wildly popular and so it’s not at all unusual to have to hear them when venturing out of my house.
I have a special hatred for all dubstep music, so intense that my scorn for it won’t even allow me to recognize it enough to include it in the upcoming list. Listening to dubstep is worse than having an orgy in a convalescent home whilst simultaneously having to eat fifty-three of those disgusting vegetable patty things they sell at Subway. Enough of my palaver. Time to start the shit list.
10. “Dirrty” - Christina Aguilera
Where to begin on this one? First off, Christina Aguilera has the worst singing voice of anyone I have ever heard in my life. When I was in elementary school, we had several presentations by the Theater of the Deaf. In one of their performances, they attempted to sing. I was six years old and it scared the living fuck out of me. Still, that’s like a facesitting session from Vida Guerra compared to listening to Christina Aguilera.
I hate Family Guy, but shit, did they ever pin it right on the nose when they described Christina Aguilera as being offensive to all five senses. I hate the way she tries to sound like she’s black when she sings and how she always does that half-choked moaning thing. Honestly, I hate pretty much all of her songs pretty much equally. There are however two reasons why “Dirrty” stands out from the rest. One is that I got shot down by a really hot girl who used the song title as part of her AIM screen name (she did moon me once though, so it wasn’t a total loss), and the 2nd is that it’s ruined several potentially enjoyable stripper performances.
9. “Friday” - Rebecca Black
No list of terrible music is complete without “Friday”. I’ve gotten out of bed, eaten cereal, and entered cars several times and it’s really not thrilling enough to be the basis for a song. If you’re under 18, you shouldn’t be allowed to sing in public under any circumstance. If this song sucked just a little bit less ass, I’d feel sorry for Rebecca Black and the other kids who appeared in the music video, but no. It was their choice to be in this and they must suffer the consequences.
I think the most annoying part is when all the little shits are in the car (none of whom look anywhere near old enough to drive) and pump their fists in the air while Black sings something like “Partying, partying yeah! Looking forward to the weeeeekend”. If you’re already partying on Friday morning, then why do you have to look forward to the weekend? It has to be a 3 day weekend already. Either that or they’re skipping school and driving illegally. They should’ve had a scene in the video where a cop pulls them over and throws all of their amelodic asses in juvenile hall. Hopefully not the one in my town though.
8. “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” - The Clash
This is one of the most irritating songs ever written. From the dragged-out whining by Joe Strummer and repetitive meaningless lyrics, this song is shittier than a septic tank. As a fan of early punk bands and a member of a few punk bands in my younger days, I’ve often taken heat for hating the Clash, and even moreso for hating the Ramones (who are responsible for the next song on this list). Every time I hear this song, it’s like sitting in the dentist chair, as the hygienist picks away at your teeth and you’re just gutting it out and waiting for it to be over.
The whole punk movement is about going against the grain and rejecting the mainstream. Despite this, every once in a great while a punk band comes out with a song that the mainstream loves and without exception, these songs always suck. This is the 2nd best example of such a song.
7. “Blitzkrieg Bop” - The Ramones
I’ll say it plain and bluntly - I fucking hate the Ramones. They’re like what the Sex Pistols would be if they all got together one day and decided to suck as much ass as possible and dedicating their lives to prancing around pretending to be badasses. I mentioned in my rant about “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” that it was the 2nd best example of a punk song that really sucks being espoused by the mainstream. “Blitzkrieg Bop” is number one.
This is a song you hear everywhere. It’ll be played at just about every athletic event imaginable, in bars, restaurants, and in far too many commercials. Communications company commercials are by far the most annoying variety, and I can immediately think of at least 3 of them in which this song is featured.
6. Any Hippie Jam Band Song
It doesn’t really matter that I didn’t pick a specific song or band for this one, since they all sound exactly the same. Whether it be the Grateful Dead, Phish, The Allman Brothers, Ratdog (yes, I know they’re related to the Grateful Dead), Cream, The Disco Biscuits or any other hygiene hating band, they’re all identical. A lot of my friends love this shit and base their whole lives around it, spending all of their spare money going to jam fests and trying to involve hippie music in everything they do.
This is the formula for any hippie jam band song:
1. High-pitched, whining, interminable guitar solos
2. Short bursts of lyrics that are intended to be really profound but fail miserably in the attempt
3. A drummer who is physically present but doesn’t do anything
4. Lots of weed smoking, as there’s no other way to listen to this without killing yourself.
5. Profits for Lowe’s and Home Depot due to the extra rope they sell for those who cannot procure said weed.
90% of the people who listen to this kind of music are lazy, unemployed, self-righteous assholes who have never done anything meaningful or contributed anything to anyone in their wasted lives. This doesn’t stop them from getting in your face and ramming their politics down your throat like they’re Ron Jeremy and you’re Jenna Jameson.
The one and only good thing about this song is that it’s pretty short. If it were any longer, I’d find out who originally composed it, book a flight to their homeland, and take a piss on their grave. This is another one you hear a lot at athletic events, but it’s not really clear why. Standing around and waiting to have bananas that you’ve assembled be counted up by some asshole has no clear connection to any sport I can think of. There’s also no really specific time during the games that they’ll play this song. It’ll just randomly strike like a bolt of lightning annihilating your balls. The audience will always sing along without fail, though mercifully they seldom if ever go beyond the first two “Day Os”. The only way this song could become more annoying would be if Christina Aguilera were to sing it. Fuck, that would be worse than death.
4. “What I Like About You” - The Romantics
This is a song that fortunately isn’t as omnipresent as it once was. That doesn’t make me hate it any less though. During the early 90s, there was a parody of this song that replaced “You” with “Tim” and showed clips of Tim Taylor in a commercial for Home Improvement. The last time I mentioned Home Improvement on this website was four years ago, and my hatred of it has not abated one bit since. This song is just plain annoying and there’s little else than can be said about it. The penalty for playing this song should be having to eat out Michelle Obama. No, I take that back. Nobody deserves that degree of torture.
3. “All Star” - Smash Mouth
For many years, this was my all-time most hated song until some other assholes somehow managed to write songs that were even worse. Hearing this song takes me back to my high school days when I was surrounded by so many assholes that I didn’t know if I was in school or at a proctologist’s office. It would play on the bus, it played at the prom, and it played on just about everyone’s disk-man. Shit, that makes me pine for the pre-iPod days and the days before mobile Internet existed. It’s sort of like waxing nostalgic for the few seconds where only one of your balls has been kicked right after kick number two is meted out.
Everything about Smash Mouth was annoying. I hated their music, I hated their voices, I hated the way they looked, and I hated their music videos. Every time I hear this song, it’s like having a slide show play of all the biggest bastards and bitches I knew during high school. “All Star” was also featured in the first “Now That’s What I Call Music” CD that I can remember seeing. That alone is reason enough to hate anything.
2. “American Idiot” - Green Day
If ever there existed a person designed for having their ass kicked, it’s Billie Joe Armstrong. I fucking hate everything about him, but I hate his music most of all. “American Idiot” became the rallying cry of every teenager and college kid who didn’t understand or really care about politics, but were brainwashed with enough of the “America is always the bad guy” mantra that is preached by all public schools. The thing is, Billie Joe Armstrong is an American Idiot. He’s an idiot, and he lives in America. Why does he spell Billie with an ie and not a y? Is it some kind of a tribute to Billie Jean King? Is his formal name something other than William? Forget it, I don’t give a shit about the way he spells his name and neither do you. A shit heap by any other name would smell as sweet.
I’d like to break this guy’s jaw even more than the hipster kid shown in my last post.
I first became aware of Green Day when I was in 7th grade and was in an English class with this kid who was obsessed with the Green Day album Dookie. Anyone who refers to shit as dook or dookie is a guaranteed asshole (no pun intended) and incurs my immediate hatred. Green Day had the rare courtesy to kind of go away for a while after that but then shit their way back on to the national scene again with “American Idiot”. The band’s drummer calls himself Tre Cool. That should be grounds for castration.
1. “Kernkraft 400” - Zombie Nation
Kernkraft 400 literally translates to “Nuclear - by virtue of 400”. That’s a really dumb name for a song. Yes, I know the literal English translation isn’t what the band intended for the title to mean, but still, what a fucking stupid title for a song. From what I’ve read, it’s supposed to mean something more like “Nuclear Power 400”. Still sucks.
The part of this song I hate the most is the “whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh” part that constitutes the chorus of the song. Large groups of assembled assholes love to bust out and sing this part ad nauseum for no apparent reason. Stop. Please. It’s probably the only sound in the world more annoying than a baby crying (except for a baby laughing). It’s the vocal equivalent of the annoying tendency for crowds to start randomly tossing a beach ball around.
While this is by far the most annoying song I’ve ever heard and my most hated song in the entire universe, there’s one thing that makes me hate it even more than the reasons listed above. A while ago I was on YouTube and watching some videos of burlesque routines, which are infinitely hotter than modern-day harlot style stripping. Two words: ass tassels.
Moving on. Two of the videos I found were of this blazingly hot brunette girl who went by the name of Frenchy and as you would expect, she started out her routine in a French maid uniform. She quite seductively goes on to remove her various articles of clothing until it (appears) that she’s only wearing pasties and a g-string. Kernkraft 400 was the sole soundtrack for both of her videos, which almost made me hate it a little less. Note that I said almost. As I looked a little closer, I realized she was wearing skin-toned pantyhose with the g-string over them, so she really wasn’t exposing her ass at all. This changed my hatred of Kernkraft 400 into a cartoonish-level abhorrence that is best left undescribed, should I ever be subject to a sanity hearing.
Here’s one of the Frenchy videos below. She turned striptease into a literal tease and the only true justice would be for her to put herself over my knee, sans pantyhose, and be spanked until the cows come home, and then for a little while longer with the cows watching. Don’t let the awkward look in the freeze frame fool you. This girl is really fucking hot.
If you remember the Man Show (the Adam Carolla/Jimmy Kimmel version, not the Rogan & Stanhope farce), chances are you’ll remember a segment they’d do every once in a while called “The Museum of Annoying Guys”. Predictably enough, this would consist of archetypes of various annoying people and explanations as to what makes them annoying. This will be pretty much the same thing, only it’ll cover both genders.
Let’s get the douche parade going and introduce the people who grind my gears until they shatter.
The “Succesful” Guy
Before I begin, I want to stress that I don’t mean this in the “99%” kind of way or as an expression of self-entitlement to things I haven’t earned. It’s not against successful people in general (hence the quotes around Successful) but rather those who aren’t happy unless everyone in the world knows how great they have it.
The Successful Guy is someone usually between the ages of about 30 and 60 who has to spend every second of his life broadcasting to the world how great he his and how many needless possessions he’s managed to rack up for himself. In most cases, he’ll be married to a self-loathing trophy wife who loves the money but hates her husband. You can always see the desperately miserable look in her eyes when she has to do anything with him that doesn’t involve a shopping spree.
The Successful guy has to own a boat, only the most expensive cars, designer clothing, and a summer home that may or may not ever see use. What makes this guy so annoying isn’t what he’s achieved (if he’s earned it) but rather the fact that he uses any place he goes as a platform to stand up and say, “Look at me! I’m better than you! Look at all the great shit I have! Please? Oh God, if someone doesn’t pay some attention to me soon I’ll be alone with my thoughts and I’ll have to come to terms with what a douche I am and how if it weren’t for my money, everyone would hate me. Ok world, have it your way! You won’t recognize my greatness, so you don’t deserve me. Now I’m whipping out my 1898 Luger, the most expensive gun you’ve ever seen!” BANG!
Bye-bye, Successful Guy.
The Roid-Rage Workout Guy
I think we all know at least one of these guys in our lives. All they ever talk about is the gym and how ripped they are and they can’t seem to go 5 minutes without taking off their shirts and snapping a few hundred self-shot pictures in front of a bathroom mirror. They haven’t done anything else of worth in their otherwise pedestrian lives, so they think they have to make up for it by being Mr Universe. They’re always looking for a fight and like to stir up shit with complete strangers just because they get a thrill out of thinking they’ve intimidated someone. They’re usually the high school jock types whose glory days of giving swirlies and scoring clumsy and awkward inexperienced action after school dances have passed. Now they’re just clinging to anything to validate their existence and failing miserably.
The Female Gearhead
There are actually two sub-types to this variety of annoying women. One breed knows a lot about cars and can never shut the fuck up about how they can do anything under the hood better than any guy. They constantly talk about how they’re challenging gender roles and what “Tom Boys” they are. Little do they care that by using that phrase, they’re actually reinforcing gender roles rather than turning them upside down. I don’t think that’d bother them though, just so long as everyone in the room knows they have a vagina and a working knowledge of auto maintenance.
The second kind of female gearhead is ten times more annoying than the one described above. This is a woman who doesn’t know anything about cars and is lucky if she even knows how to pump gas. Despite this, she’ll ramble on and on about cars all the time, whether it be whatever model she’s currently fixated on or how she won’t date a guy who doesn’t drive a muscle car or something that cost enough to make a down payment on a mansion. I had an ex girlfriend who fell into this category. Her obsession was with Del Sols and she owned two of them during the time I was dating her. She fucked up the first one by going 25,000 miles without an oil change and the second one she smashed up while driving it into the side of a grocery store.
The Baby-Obsessed Woman
I’ve mentioned this particular annoying person before in at least one previous post, but they piss me off enough that I’ll light into them again here. This is a woman who goes far above and beyond the typical pride and happiness one normally and understandably enough feels after having a kid (especially if its her first). Suddenly, every single thing she says, whether it be in person or through social media is about her new bundle of soiled diapers.
Whether you want it or not, you’ll not only know every detail of the kid’s life, but also receive a running commentary on every single moment of their day and every action they perform therein. They just don’t seem to understand that other people aren’t going to have the same fixation and enthusiasm with their baby that they do. There’s a saying a lot of anti-religious people like to use that goes something like, “A religion is a lot like a penis. It’s okay to have one and it’s nice that you’re proud of it, but that doesn’t mean you should around go waving it in everyone’s face.” Same goes for your baby, so please, put it away for a while.
The Intolerant Preacher of Tolerance
This is a variety of sub-human who I think nearly everyone hates. They exist in both genders, all age groups, and across all points of the political spectrum. They preach love, kindness, and understanding of all people, regardless of what differences it is they may posses. The trouble is, this all comes crumbling down for them when another person makes one fatal error - expressing an opinion that doesn’t jibe with theirs. Once this happens, the dam breaks open and the floodgates of kindergarten insults come at you like a tidal wave.
This person will shit on your beliefs like they’re in a German porn video, yet expect you to respond by doing a 180 and suddenly agreeing with them 100%. The worst ones are the people who have stubbornly rigid opinions about something with which they have no experience and it’s something you’ve lived with and have had the best teacher of all - life experience. They’ll throw numbers and quotes at you from articles spun by authors who subscribe to their philosophy of choice and insist that you don’t know what you’re talking about. After all, you’ve only experienced it first hand. They’ve read about it.
The Really Unattractive Girl Who Think’s She’s Hot
Let’s face it, you can’t help how you look. If you’ve gone through my site and seen my pictures, you know I’m the last person on Earth who is in any position to make negative remarks about someone else’s appearance. Being unattractive in and of itself isn’t annoying or offensive, but come on, you know the type of person I’m talking about here. Everyone knew one or two of these kind of girls in high school or college - the girl who could’ve compensated by having a nice personality and legitimate self respect, but instead chose to live in a world of self-delusion, strutting about with an insufferable degree of arrogance and unearned confidence on what a hot piece of ass she supposedly is.
This girl loves to go around in barely-there clothing, even when she very obviously doesn’t have the body for it. She’ll babble on and on about how every guy on Earth wants her and is trying to score with her like she’s a hockey puck. One law of the universe is that no matter how hideous you may be, someone equally hideous and horny is out there willing to have sex with you. Whenever I think of this annoying archetype, I’m reminded of this one girl I went to school with from elementary school straight through high school. She had the most grating personality of anyone I’ve ever met and loved to dress like a harlot.
Being of the aesthetically-unpleasing and sex deprived variety myself, even I would’ve rather had a circle jerk with all of my great-grandfathers (including the dead ones) than touch, let alone bang this girl. She got pregnant 3 or 4 times in high school and walked around as if her ongoing series of abortions were some kind of trophy that confirmed that she was our generation’s leading sex symbol.
Again, had this girl had a nice personality, had true respect for herself and her body, or achieved anything other than having sex with old perverts and making me temporarily impotent, I probably wouldn’t even have included this category in my article. She took the low road as everyone else of this personality type does, and thus deserves to be enshrined in the Museum of Annoying People. She also tended to eat with her mouth open, which was equally revolting.
This one doesn’t need an explanation. Seriously, look at this guy’s picture and honestly tell me you don’t have the urge to break his jaw.
The “I just found myself” Person
This one covers a wide variety of annoying bastards and bitches and is kind of hard to sum up in a single category. Generally it’s someone who has just decided to take on some identity that they never were associated with before and they feel it’s their duty to impart the information to everyone in the world with all the subtlety of a sledge hammer. It could be a random new religious affiliation, newly declared Atheism, a new political position, membership in a new subculture (ie the newly formed neo-hippie who won’t shut the fuck up about how much weed he smokes), and so on.
In some cases, rather than taking on a new personal identity, this person will suddenly become obsessed with some random cause that they have no personal connection with whatsoever. They often know little about that of which they speak, much like the Intolerant Preacher of Tolerance introduced earlier in this article. That sure doesn’t stop them from shoving their issue of choice in your face and becoming convinced that you’re the next Hitler if you disagree with them.
That’s it for this round of the Museum of Annoying People, but stay tuned as there are many exhibits to be included as this world has no shortage of douchery. Maybe in the next installment I’ll get around to the pudgy, balding, 30-year-old bloggers who still live with their parents and whose opinions are of no meaning whatsoever. I have to be careful about what I say on that one though, or I might end up getting offended and kicking my own ass.
Before I begin my Cheerios-related rant, I suppose I owe it to the three or four people who have followed Preserve the 80s with any degree of regularity over the years to explain the site’s extended absence. I was originally running it off Wordpress (which is infinitely better than Tumblr by the way, since you can actually optimize your posts) and was the repeated victim of some pathetic hacker.
After 3 years, the site’s assailant finally managed to fuck it up beyond the point of salvation and that’s when I was forced to move everything to Tumblr. You sort of have to wonder why someone would so aggressively target my website. It’s not like it’s exactly relevant to anything important. I guess it must have been somebody who really liked the blurring of the Victoria’s Secret models’ asses by CBS The trouble didn’t stop there though, as shortly after the move Google had pulled all of my posts out of their index. I’ve managed to get everything back together again, so (hopefully) Preserve the 80s is back to stay this time.
Now to get to the actual topic I’d been wanting to post about for nearly a year now. Cheerios suck. They just plain blow, and that’s all there is to it. I can’t think of any cereal that’s more bland or boring or one that goes down with a less comfortable texture. It’s like someone took sandpaper, rolled it up into small rings, extracted whatever flavor the sandpaper may have had, and made it into a cereal.
Cheerios taste like ass, but that’s far from being the biggest reason why I hate them with such ardent fervor. Every single facet of their advertising seems like it was designed to be as ingratiating as possible. In their 30 second sap-fests of shit, they try to make it seem as if Cheerios are the only thing over which humans can bond and as that without them, we’d lose all connection to our friends and loved ones.
There’s this one Cheerios commercial that’s on now that I probably hate the most of any they’ve made so far. It starts out with some ugly little kid and her vacant-eyed mother sitting at a table eating Cheerios. Then the kid asks if her grandmother ever ate Cheerios, to which her mother replies with a sob-choked answer to the affirmative. After this, General Mill’s little spokeswhore goes on to say, “So then it’s like we’re eating with Grandma!”
This is a pathetic attempt to grasp at the heartstrings but it fails miserably. I’m sure Cheerios weren’t the only thing your grandmother ever ate, kid. Fuck, I mean I’m sure at some point Vida Guerra has eaten bread. Does that mean I’m eating with Vida every time I have a sandwich? The answer is no and that’s really unfortunate, because I would eat all of my meals off of Vida Guerra’s ass if I could. In effect, all Cheerios achieves is indicating that it is food. Thank fuck they did that, because otherwise we’d never be able to figure it out.
The above is just one of several Cheerios commercials I hate that all run along a similar theme. It’s been going on for a pretty long time, because in one of the last posts I made before my site went down I addressed the “One and only Cheerios” ad campaign which is still squeezing out 30 second blocks of giraffe shit on a regular basis.
The latest ads always contain some meaningless Twitter hash tags as well. If you’ve ever visited my site before, you know how much I hate Twitter, so I don’t think I need to elaborate on the hash tags in and of themselves. What I will elaborate on are the phrases they put next to the hash tags. One of them is just “love”. Nobody loves Cheerios. It’s possible that some people with poorly working olfactory systems and taste receptors may love the taste of Cheerios, but nobody has an emotional bond with the cereal itself. If they do, I pray they seek counseling as soon as possible.
The other hash tag that they put up that was especially irksome was #nomnom. “Nom” isn’t a word and I’m tired as hell of hearing everyone saying it and writing it lately. It’s supposed to be a take on the sounds Cookie Monster (fucking traitor to fat people EVERYWHERE) makes when he eats. However, Cookie Monster has been around for 40+ years and this “nom” bullshit didn’t come about until around 2009. I wish that every time someone said, wrote, or typed it, they’d be sent to ‘Nam and properly disposed of.
With the brief exception of a short period during the late 80s when they ran the “Unsinkable Taste of Cheerios” commercials, they have never managed to come out with a series of commercials that was even borderline tolerable. Earlier in the 80s, they had these black and white cartoon commercials aimed at kids. They’d usually feature figures being flung around and screaming “Cheerio-o-o-o-o’s!!!!” Those commercials used to give me nightmares, but nowhere near as badly as the current ones do. The current ones make nightmares a reality. I’d have a lot more to say about this, but Tumblr is once again doing that thing where there’s about a 90 second delay before anything I type shows up on the screen and it’s too annoying to continue. Time for porn I guess.
After successfully being kept offline for 7 months, I’ve finally triumphed and returned in all my pathetic glory. Stay tuned for new posts when time allows.
themauveroom asked: I am looking forward to your hilarity on my dashboard.
a new post has finally been made
I can’t leave my house for more than 5 minutes without being either horribly offended or horribly annoyed by somebody or something. (I can’t be in my house for more than 5 seconds without that happening). I feel like I’m a proctologist sometimes - no matter where I go or what I do, I’m surrounded by assholes. With all the sheeple we have wandering around these days, living their lives based on one trend to the next, I imagine all of the other portly and unattractive dateless wonders out there experience the same feelings as I do. Get ready misanthropes, involuntary celibates, and parent’s-house-dwellers (hell, I’m all 3). This post is for you.
The first thing I’ll address are those stick figure family drawings that everyone in the world has on the back window of their cars these days. You know the ones I’m referring to. They’re those stupid black bumper stickers with a white (on rare occasions yellow) stick figure rendition of every person in the family of whoever owns the car. Somebody needs to let these people know that they aren’t special for spreading their legs/jizzing and producing more unnecessary lives. Yes, you’re proud you have kids, but here’s something you might not know - NOBODY ELSE GIVES A SHIT. An example of one of these stickers with my own personally added touch is seen below:
Every time I see one of these stickers while driving, I get the overwhelming urge to drive full force into the back of the car and smash their precious picture to smithereens. The only problem is that a drive a Hyundai Accent and the whole damn thing will fall into pieces if someone breathes too hard on it. I’m thinking of adding a cow catcher to the front. At least that might wedge the cars with those fucking stickers off the ground a bit and if all goes well, their struts and tie rods might break when they land. It’ll be a special kind of cow catcher that can be folded up by a remote button, so once it’s been retracted, there will be no evidence that my car ever touched theirs and Mrs Aging Suburban Trophy Wife’s insurance company will be footing the bill.
Another thing I hate is how whenever people sing about Christmas, they always pronounce it as “Chris-muss”. It doesn’t make the song more powerful, it doesn’t make the lyrics easier to understand, and it doesn’t do anything of use whatsoever. I remember speaking with a friend once who told me that when she was in high school, her chorus teacher specifically instructed the class to pronounce Christmas this way in their songs. I hope that teacher was fired and had her teaching license permanently revoked. Let her work a series of mind-numbing dead end, go-nowhere jobs like I’ve had to do and see if “muss” is still so precious.
Speaking of Christmas, another thing that really pisses me off is how nobody is actually allowed to use the term Christmas anymore. It’s always just “Happy Holidays”. This isn’t just limited to Christian holidays though. These days you can’t say Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Fulfilling Kwanzaa, etc without the PC crowd getting their panties in a bunch over it. If they really want people to celebrate and promote diversity, then shouldn’t they want people who aren’t part of a given faith/ethnic group to be exposed to the practices of others? Apparently not, as the only way to prevent ignorance and promote tolerance is for us all to just pretend that we’re all the same and treat any differences as offensive and keep them in the dark. I’m not Jewish, but if someone were to wish me a Happy Hanukkah, I’d take it as a sign of goodwill and wish it back to them. It’d only be offensive if they said something along the lines of “HAPPY (insert holiday name here) MOTHER FUCKER. IF YOU’RE NOT (insert faith here), YOU’RE GOING TO BURN IN HELL. YOUR BELIEFS ARE SHIT AND IF I EVER CATCH YOU EXPRESSING THEM I’LL KILL YOU ON THE SPOT!”
This over-sensitivity is taken to an extreme in a commercial I recently saw, but I can’t remember what the commercial was for. Anyway, it shows a CHRISTMAS tree, CHRISTMAS stockings, and Santa Claus, yet rather than saying Christmas, simply uses the word “holiday” about 17 times, as if it weren’t clear what holiday they were talking about. We all have a right to freedom of expression and shouldn’t have to live out our faith or lack thereof in the closet. If you’re Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Agnostic, Atheist, or anything else, just tell any asswipe who tries to censor you that you’re here, you’re whatever the fuck you are, and they have to get used to it. Here’s the kind of bumper stickers big media pussies like Les Moonves would prefer people had on their cars:
Damn it all, I mentioned Les Moonves. I’ll be having nightmares for weeks now.
Another thing that everybody does these days that I can’t stand is referring to vacation as “vaca”. Nobody did this until about 3 years ago but now everybody does. Yes, I already know that I talked about this in an earlier post about calling vacation “vaca”, but fuck, I hate it now more than ever. The same thing goes for everybody all of a sudden calling California “Cali”. Vacation is only a three syllable word. It doesn’t take that much effort to say it. Imagine how annoying it would be if we started doing this with every word that contained more than one syllable. We’d have president Obam in office, you’d be driving a Chevro which you’d fuel with gaso, and instead of watching the Super Bowl, you’d be watching the Super. Stop this bullshit now or else we’ll all be staring at building superintendents maintaining housing projects instead of the NFL. On the other hand, that might not be so bad because I hate Michael Vick more than life itself and Tom Brady is an insufferable prick. I complain all the time too, so why don’t I get to bang Giselle Bundchen?
Here’s another thing that I hate - people constantly claiming to be nerds and saying that they find nerds to be attractive. Yes, I know Maddox just did a post about this topic, but I was already bitching about this a year ago when I did a review of the 2011 Victoria’s Secret Fashion show, otherwise known as Censored Ass Night. Speaking of Censored Ass Night, quite a few people wrote to me from the old Preserve the 80s site and said they were planning on e-mailing my article to Victoria’s Secret. You will notice this year that the asses were not blurred out. Is it a coincidence? Almost definitely, but I like to feel more important than I actually am so I try to convince myself it was my doing. Whatever the case, they allowed Justin Bieber to perform at the VS fashion show this year, and that cancels out any positives.
Getting back to the topic at hand, if you’re physically fit, good looking, athletic, have an extensive social life, and don’t have any bizarre narrow interests then you’re not a nerd. Also, when you exclusively date asshole guys with money who have all of the above traits, then you don’t find nerds sexy, so stop saying that you do. Until I’m sitting here in the cellar of my parents’ house with my beer gut, collection of 80s tv commercial DVDs, and 20 year old McDonald’s wrappers having to fend off starlets and supermodels with a pointy stick, I refuse to believe that myth. It’s just what’s in right now, so people say it. Why can’t any trends ever be worthwhile? The only exception to this is the rising popularity of leggings, which give this particular ass enthusiast a shell of a reason to stay alive.
I’d write some more here, but there’s more to this topic than can be contained in one post and my blood pressure is getting too high already just from thinking about all this bullshit. There will probably be an equally useless sequel to this one day, but right now I have to go and pick up a new toothbrush and probably have to deal with every last one of the things I just wrote about in the process.
Fans of Preserve the 80s, if there are in fact any of you out there, this title is not directed at you. It’s directed at the asswipe who so intensely and severely hacked the original Preserve the 80s site until Google completely blocked it and I had to move everything over to here.
All of the old comments were lost in the process, so if you don’t see yours on here, please know that I didn’t delete them. As I get more used to tumblr, I promise to you that this site will begin to look more like the old one and less God-awful than it does now. Especially the flowers at the beginning of each post… they’ll be gone as soon as possible.
I also hope to make it so that I can include capital letters in post titles and make it so that post titles with multiple lines don’t run together to the point of being illegible. Please bear with me and pretty soon I’ll once again be making the world a little darker of a place to while away our miserable lives.
With the exception of Bizarre Foods, there are very few shows left on tv that are worth watching. Watching the shit that’s put out on the airwaves is still a distraction that beats having to talk to friends/family or realizing just how much your life sucks and that the world is shitting on you like a German porn star. However, some shows are even worse than those alternatives, and How I Met Your Mother is by far the worst of them.
I hate it when people abbreviate it as HIMYM. That has to be the most awkward sequence of letters of all time. Of course, reading that acronym is like diving head first into an olympic-sized swimming pool filled with lesbians and beer when compared to actually watching the show. I wish I hadn’t just typed that. I have access to neither beer nor lesbians at this particular moment and now I’m deeply saddened. I don’t really need the pool though, so I guess I’m ok.
Getting back to the point, How I Met Your Mother is the most annoying show ever conceived. I’ve never watched a second of it aside from commercials and I already hate it more than anything else that’s ever been on tv. I don’t know any of the characters’ names, so you’ll just have to either deal with my vague descriptions of them or leave this article and read one of my other meaningless rambles. Either that or just go out and do what people who actually have lives do. Shit if I know what that would entail.
The main character (guy with blonde hair who played Dougie Houser) is worse than a jock strap filled with fire ants. There’s this commercial on right now for the show where they keep having him say all of his catch phrases and each one is more grating than the one before it. His high pitched “awesooooome” and “what up” are by far the worst of them all though. Whoever wrote those lines for him should be decapitated. One of the other phrases they kept having him say in the commercial was “suit up”. I have no idea what that might mean within the context of the show, but as the Tourette’s Guy would say, I don’t give a dead moose’s last shit. I wish they’d have him “suit up” in copper wiring and throw him into the nearest river.
I also hate Alyson Hannigan’s character. When I was in high school and college, I used to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer with the tv muted because I hated the show but greatly enjoyed the hot female cast. Some of the greatest moments came in later seasons when Willow (Hannigan’s character on Buffy) came out as a lesbian and started having softcore lesbian scenes with that other girl. Wow, for some reason I’m really fixated on lesbians tonight.
Anyway, from what I gather from the commercials, she has some douche bag husband/boyfriend on the show and blending in with all the other assholes on this show depletes her hotness and sullies the positive memories I have of her earlier days. It’s kind of like how you spend your earliest years seeing your grandfather competent and active but then spend the later years watching him sit around in Depends. It’s sad.
There’s another character on the show whose name I don’t know who always hangs out with the annoying blonde haired main character guy. He reminds me of an adult version of this kid I went to elementary school with who was the most obnoxious little douchebag I’ve ever met.
Making How I Met Your Mother all the more annoying is how beloved it seems to be by everyone in my generation other than myself. This show is like what you’d get if The Office produced offspring with Friends, and then failed in an attempt at a back alley abortion. Speaking of abortions, I wish could get a guest role on the show and do an episode where I go back in time and meet all of the characters’ mothers then give them the old coat hanger special. Then they’d change the title to How I Prevented You From Having to Watch Another Bullshit TV Show.
… I just can’t let these bullshit commercials slide. They need to be called out for the embarrassing abominations that they are. Sometimes I think that advertisers these days aren’t even trying to make money, they’re just trying to piss us all off. Maybe they were bullied too much in school or maybe they’re all chronically impotent. Whatever it is, there’s some real anger and resentment brewing in their sick minds and they’re taking it all out on us. Anyway, let’s just get on with this review of the most annoying and embarrassing commercials on tv today.
AT&T “U-Verse” Commercial
This one is quite possibly my most hated commercial of all time. Yeah, I know I say that about at least one of the commercials in every post, but trust me, this one is the worst of them all. I’m sure you’ve seen this one by now. It’s for AT&T’s U-Verse and it seems like it’s been on tv for about sixty years now. I hate how everything is being bundled these days. Phone, tv, and internet all in one package. Maybe it’s convenient only paying one bill, but when a company takes over too many industries and becomes the only game in town, you won’t be able to do anything about it once it begins to suck. This is part of why anti-trust laws came about but nobody seems to care about those anymore. Shit, my blood pressure is already going up and I haven’t even started talking about the commercial yet.
This commercial starts out with some dumbass from a cable company making a presentation for Career Day in some school. Career Day never happens in real life. It’s just some bullshit plot device used for TV. The cable guy starts talking in his drably annoying voice until some little shit in a purple sweater pipes up and starts talking about U-Verse and how they can bundle cell phones into their packages. The cable guy then claims that nobody can do that and little miss bitch then says “Mom says AT&T does. soooo…” As she says this, she says “soooo” with the most annoying inflection I’ve ever heard and with the snottiest look on her face I’ve ever seen in my life. Every time I see this little piece of crotch rot and hear her hellish voice it’s like having my balls run over by a convoy of tanks.
Feeling panicked, the cable guy then desperately interjects “but I bring TV to YOU”. At this point, the hot teacher starts talking about U-Verse and all the stupid shit that it entails and some other little bastard looks at her and dreamily says, “Miss Jones has U-Verse”. That poor kid has a shitty life ahead of him. Anyone whose sexuality centers around telecommunications packages is going to be alone for life and will probably find themselves receiving several lifetime bannings from call centers and power stations.
Also, why do they have to call the teacher Miss Jones? She’s very obviously Asian and since it’s Miss and not Ms or Mrs, she’s single. This means she’s been a Jones since childhood, despite the fact that she is clearly not of the Anglo-Saxon persuasion. But that’s ok AT&T. We know all Asian people in the United States are adopted. These presumptuous assholes make my Mongolian blood boil.
*Note: I’m sorry about the poor quality of the video above, the original video was made private so I had to substitute this one in place of it. Not that anything about this commercial had any quality to begin with.
The “One and Only Cheerios” Commercials
This next one is by special request, though even if it wasn’t, I’d still include it anyway as it is the most irritating non-AT&T commercial that’s presently on the airwaves. Actually it’s not so much one commercial, but rather a series of them. Lately, Cheerios has been making all these ads in which they show disturbingly generic looking people with their ugly ass babies. Babies aren’t cute. They almost always look like little shriveled old people and they shit themselves and almost never stop crying.
These commercials always show these stupid little bastards who have no idea what’s going on sitting at their high chairs with Cheerios spread around on the trays. Sometimes they’ll have another kid come in and swipe them and other times they’ll just have the parents standing around in awe as if staring at tiny pieces of a shitty grain-based cereal with their offspring is the most magical experience one could ever have.
Other times they don’t include the kids and just show couples bonding over Cheerios. There were a ton of commercials to choose from, so I decided to show you this one which combines all of the elements.
The worst part of all of these commercials is the background vocals. They’re performed in a voice that makes you feel like something is invading your immune system and completely destroying you from the inside out. The singer is gushing her most deeply felt feelings for Cheerios and operating under the assumption that they alone are what keeps families together and keeps humanity running.
I hate the “Oh Oh Ohs” but the worst line is at the end with “The one and only Cheerios”. I guess if you get a generic o-shaped grain cereal it just won’t have the same effect. Only a bland and flavorless General Mills product has the ability to make our interpersonal relationships meaningful. I guess my consumption of non-General Mills cereals is the reason why I just can’t get my shit together in life and don’t have a wife or girlfriend.
Alienation has become a pretty common theme in our modern day society. Most marriages end in divorce now and everyone hates everyone else. Some other cereal should try to be the official cereal of alienation, only with cold hard reality rather than this sappy Cheerios bullshit. I’d suggest Corn Pops. Only people who are miserable and alone eat those. I know, as it’s the most common cereal that I consume. Shit, that’d be a cash cow. People want to see commercials they can relate to after all. Maybe I should contact Post with my idea and I’ll finally break the $20,000 income in one year barrier. It’s only taken me 29 years.
Annoying Honda Pilot “Road Trip” Commercial
Another commercial that I really fucking hate is for the Honda Pilot. It starts out with a car full of people driving along some road out in the middle of East-Ass-Fucking-Nowhere. Everyone looks dull and tired, until one little asswipe who looks like one of the Children of the Corn starts singing “bum bum. bum bum, bum bum, bum bum”. Then some little bitch next to him sings “ay ay ay” and before long every last damned soul in the car starts singing. Pay close attention when it starts… the black kid next to the pale faced albino just looks down to the ground and is absolutely distraught. He knows what’s coming.
There’s not too much else to say about this commercial, since I’ve already pretty much described the whole thing. Just watch it and you’ll see why I hate it. Just to be a dick, I’m going to post an extended cut. The fact that someone actually made an extended version of this commercial proves that humanity is nothing more than a failed experiment.
1-877-KARS4KIDS Radio Commercial
The last commercial I’ll mention in this post is actually a radio commercial and not a TV commercial. If you don’t happen to live in New England or the New York/New Jersey area you’ve probably never heard this one before, but it’s time for you to be as miserable as the rest of us. This particular commercial is the 1-877-KARS FOR KIDS commercial. It just has the same refrain sung the whole time. The first time through it’s by some little runt with a voice high enough to shatter bricks and then the second time some guy who sounds really fat and tired sings it. At the end, they both sing it together.
Supposedly, the goal of this commercial is to get people to donate their unneeded cars to help kids with cancer. That’s a noble thing to do, but this commercial goes about it in the complete wrong way. You don’t annoy people into being generous. This commercial is like going over to your friend’s house, smacking his girlfriend’s ass, taking a piss on his bed, running his laptop through the microwave, and then asking him to give you a ride to work. It’s utterly nonsensical. If you actually do want to help with this organization, I suggest visiting the Official Kars for Kids site to make a donation BEFORE playing the commercial below.
Play this video. I don’t know you, but nobody is without sin. I’m sure you’ve done something horrible enough in your life to deserve having to listen to this.
If there’s anything that should not be legal for human consumption (hell, I wouldn’t feed it to mosquitos) it’s ketchup. It’s offensive to all 5 senses. It looks bad, smells bad, tastes bad, feels bad, and even sounds bad coming out of the bottle/packet. Trust me on that one… or don’t. Listen carefully the next time the vile substance is making its way out of a container and you’ll see what I mean.
People always associate ketchup with America. I guess this is because we use it more in the country than anywhere else, but come on. It’s time to take back our national dignity and stop putting this shit on our food. I know every country has its embarrassing stereotypes, but this has to be the worst one. Please, do your part to make this one go away.
It’s a tragedy how many innocent and delicious foods are tainted and destroyed by the scourge of ketchup. Hot dogs, eggs, sandwiches, fish, chicken, and worst of all fries (which should only be garnished with salt and butter) are abused and destroyed daily. Every time I go to a restaurant it takes every ounce of restraint I have not to take everyone’s ketchup bottles away and destroy them. Either that, or deliver a heartfelt eulogy to the ruined foods.
Once I was on a blind date with a girl who didn’t speak very good English. My Spanish was much better back then than it is now, but it still wasn’t horribly fluent. She ordered eggs and toast and doused both in ketchup. As if this were not bad enough, she had a huge glass of milk and the eggs were covered in cheese. Milk and cheese are the only two substances on Earth more disgusting than ketchup. I had to avoid eye contact for the rest of the date and since I didn’t know how to express my phobias in Spanish, I had to just let her think I was some kind of basket case… which I am, but hating ketchup isn’t a part of it. Probably for the best though, as another date probably would have produced even worse horrors. Perhaps macaroni and cheese with ketchup.
The following is a list of things that I would rather have on my food than ketchup:
- My own blood from a freshly slashed arm
- Someone else’s blood
- Cat vomit
- That stuff that comes out of snails when they have sex
- Battery acid
- Melted children’s toys
- Liquefied elephant tits
- One of those hats people wore in the 50s that looked like crowns
- Basically anything short of human feces/sexual fluids