Preserve the 80s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCdJMMQw1Mc

Take a look at the above link. You will not be disappointed. As the title of this post would lead one to believe, the link is to a Fruit Wheats commercial that has been posted on youtube.

Between 1987, when Fruit Wheats were introduced, and 1993, when they were discontinued, Nabisco truly blessed us with the finest cereal ever known to mankind. Whether you went with strawberry, apple, or raisin, you just couldn’t go wrong. Getting out of bed in the morning was a little easier when you knew that Fruit Wheats awaited you in the kitchen cabinet. Fruit wheats didn’t need cartoon characters, marshmallows, or bonus prizes to entice the consumer – they were the perfect breakfast option in and of themselves. Since around 1993, I’ve felt rather nauseous every morning and very rarely am able to eat before noon, so breakfast isn’t much of a factor in my life these days. Could it be a change in metabolism, or could it be that my system just wasn’t meant to function in a Fruit Wheatless world?

Not only were Fruit Wheats the most badass of badass cereals, they also had one of the greatest commercials of all time. If you’re not impressed by the commercial linked to earlier in this post, a part of you must not be human. How can one not marvel at such a catchy tune, enthusiastic actors/actresses, and the masterful use of stop motion photography all displayed within this 30 vacation from the drudgery of life? Put simply, it is not possible.

Sadly, commercials such as this one are now a thing of the past. In the 80s, I preferred commercials to the actual shows that were on television. Fortunately, I’ve managed to secure several vhs tapes and dvds of 80s commercials, so I can view them whenever I want. Lamentably, this is not an option for most folks and my heart goes out to them. Commercials of today do not deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as 80s commercials. (Though apparently I just did it… fuck me.) Commercials that are on tv today are about as enjoyable as waking up after an evening with Michael Jackson and NyQuil milkshakes. There’s one commercial in particular that I hate more than any of the others. This particular ad is for Listerine’s new “less intense” citrus flavored mouthwash. It starts out with some yuppie-ish looking woman (who from here on will be referred to as MegaBitch) comes into her unrealistcally immaculate house with some groceries and greets her equally intolerable family. She comes into the house and everybody is inside acting like they’re so fucking functional and normal, waving their stability in my face and looking down at me because I wear flannel, have a beer gut, and nobody ever buys me Listerine…. but I digress. Getting back to the commercial- MegaBitch addresses her family, saying “Hi honey, I picked up that dessert you like and oh- I also got us some new citrus flavored Listerine!” At this point, her husband and the two little bastards she expelled from her poison womb approximately 7-10 years erstwhile all run and hide. One of them goes into a cabinet, another hides behind a light fixture, and I can’t be bothered to remember what the other douche did. Once again acting like the all knowing voice of reason and stability, MegaBitch says, “Relax, it’s less intense.” Upon hearing this, the rest of the family comes out of hiding and mumbles incomprehensibly, indicating that they don’t feel the need to hide from a bottle of Listerine, provided that it is of a lesser intensity.

I could go on for hours describing more of what I hate about this commercial, but the end result would probably be me having a stroke. Aside from that, I don’t really feel like typing anymore because my frozen bagels are just about done thawing and I’m mildly looking forward to toasting them. I’ll close by vowing to never use any Listerine product again and will devote my mouthwash loyalty to Plax, Act, or possibly a store brand. I strongly urge that you do the same. Together, we can stop commercials like this from ever being made again.