Preserve the 80s

About two years ago, I was watching a tv special about the history, present, and future of McDonald’s. Toward the end of the show, they mentioned that they were about to introduce a line of deluxe angus burgers . Upon hearing this, I was pretty excited and made sure I would stop by McDonald’s whenever I could to check for the arrival of the new and improved group of burgers.

As time went by and the angus burgers didn’t appear, I began to worry. I knew they were in existence, because wfan in New York was pimping the hell out of them in every commercial break. After calling some of the Connecticut McDonald’s locations and being told they’d arrive in spring of ‘08, I was disappointed in New England being dead last to receive them, but undeterred, I resolved to get them the first day they became available.

Spring of 2008 came and went without the new burger line making an appearance. With each day that passed, I became less and less hopeful that they’d ever come… that is until tonight. After procuring some foodstuffs at Big Y, I stopped at the McDonald’s down the street from it and rather lifelessly ordered a #1 with no cheese. It wasn’t until the equally lifeless teenager behind the counter was handing me my change that I looked up at the menu and saw it. The deluxe angus burger line had arrived. I could not believe my eyes. My two years of waiting were over. I ordered the bacon deluxe angus burger and in a minute or so it was handed to me. I took the McDonald’s bag in hand and trembling with anticipation, walked to my car.

When I got into my car, I at first almost didn’t want to open the wrapper of the deluxe bacon angus burger. Triumphant moments like this are few and far between in my life and I wanted it to last as long as possible. After a while, I steadied myself and proceeded to open the wrapper. Enthusiastically, I took the first bite and let me tell you, it was the most disappointing moment of my life since finding out my girlfriend sucked another guy off for a bottle of Pepsi.

To begin with, this was a “deluxe” burger. No product with the word deluxe in it should ever have ketchup on it. Secondly, the bacon they used for it was the plasticky pre-cooked kind. I realize that a fast food chain isn’t going to be giving you fresh bacon, but in the deluxe bacon angus burger, they really scraped the bottom of the bacon barrel. Though the burger contained red onions, which is always a plus, the onions in this burger were semi-gelatinous and had a vaguely mushroom like flavor. The above violations, or at least some of them, would have been forgivable if the meat itself was good. Unfortunately, this was not the case. If I didn’t order it myself, I probably would not have known I was eating angus beef. It was as crumbly and leathery as a typical McDonald’s burger patty, only thicker. After getting through about a third of it, I just couldn’t keep going. I had to wrap it back up and put it in the bag, something I have never done with a new burger before. I didn’t know what to think. My disappointment was beyond words. I can only imagine that this is what it felt like for all the nerds when they saw the new generation of Star Wars films for the first time. I felt crushed, betrayed, and confused.

After this experience, I resolve never to let myself get so eager over a new fast food product unless it’s from Whataburger. Whataburger would never screw me like that. If it ever does, I won’t know what to believe in anymore.