Preserve the 80s

I get laid about as often as a non asshole becomes a state cop. (No offense to any state police reading this, if you’re on preservethe80s, I’m sure you’re the exception to that rule) I’m not happy about this fact, but sadly it’s the truth. As of late, on the very rare occasions that I actually do get into a girl’s bed, I’ve been saddened to find that she’s almost always wearing boyshorts. I wouldn’t say that it completely ruins the experience, but it definitely takes a bit away from it. It’s kind of like when you go to Chili’s and you go to the bathroom while waiting for your food to come and it smells blood-curdlingly horrible inside. You still enjoy the meal when it gets there, but in a limited capacity.

Any time I see a lingerie commercial, boyshorts are there. Any time I’m around a girl who’s talking about lingerie, she always mentions boyshorts. For one thing, I don’t really like the name of them. I don’t really enjoy having any sexual item I come into contact with having the word “boy” in it. I also don’t really like the way they kind of go down in the front of the legs of the woman wearing them. They’re just kind of boxy looking and don’t quite seem like underwear. I guess I’m in the minority on this one because they seem to be more popular today than those shoes with bells on them were in the middle ages.

What happened to thongs? As a lifelong assman, I was happier than anyone when they became a wardrobe staple for most women about 10 years ago. Boyshorts are, in my mind, the anti thong. Some people tell me I shouldn’t be complaining about that, because eventually if sex is going to happen, whatever panties that are on will eventually come off so it shouldn’t matter. People who tell me this are forgetting that I’m the same guy who comes close to having a stroke whenever I’m served a sandwich that has the condiments under the meat rather than on top of it. When it comes to my hangups, I don’t fuck around.

Speaking of thongs, I’m soon going to be selling preservethe80s thongs when I get the preservethe80s online store up and running, which should be in less than a month. Other items will also be sold, though I’m hoping thongs will be the top seller. What could be hotter than a thong with a picture of a 15 year old jar of relish on it? Nothing my friends, nothing.