Preserve the 80s

with Wendy’s.

My favorite picture on the Internet that isn't of Vida Guerra

Take a look at the above picture. Have you ever seen such a beautiful sight before? Unless you’ve gone to Wendy’s and ordered one of these in person, you have not. This picture is of a new burger at Wendy’s known to us mere mortals as the Triple Baconator. It features 3/4 lbs of meat with 9, count ‘em, 9 strips of bacon. The fact that this burger exists is sufficient proof that there is life beyond the grave, because there is no way I will ever believe that this burger was not the work of the genius of Dave Thomas. However, one does need to do just a little bit of tweaking in order to get this cavalcade of deliciousness just right. First off, you need to ask for it without ketchup. Ketchup should never be included on anything. Secondly, you should request that it be made without cheese as a substance as lowly and gutteral as cheese is but an insult to the Triple Baconator. The third, and might I add the most important modification that you should make is to put a packetful of Wendy’s Buttery Best Spread on to the Triple Baconator. (Butter makes everything infinitely more delicious) All you have to do is ask the person at the counter for 4 butter packets and they’ll kindly hand them over to you. Why 4 you ask? You need 4 because you’re obviously getting 2 Triple Baconators since nobody can eat just one, and you’ll want a large order of fries to go with each of them. If you use 1 packet of butter per each burger and order of fries, you should be okay, but if you want more you can always ask. Here’s a free tip: If you want your butter to melt on contact, put the butter packets into the cartons of french fries for about two minutes before opening them. This way the butter will be semi-solid upon being opened and will melt on contact with your burgers.

In these modern days of health food stores, kid’s meals that contain milk and yogurt, new diets popping up everywhere, and some health nazi getting in your face about dieting everywhere you go, it’s nice to know there’s a company out there still looking out for the fat guy (or the fat at heart, as the case may be and no, I don’t mean clogged arteries) Thank you Wendy’s for giving me a reason to get up each morning and make it through the long work days. I may be dead in 5 years from a heart attack, but if I can convince the ambulance driver to stop at Wendy’s on the way to the hospital, you’d best believe I’ll die with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.