Preserve the 80s

Jorbler “Joey” Gladstone (1958-2007) was mainly known for being Danny Tanner’s friend and occasional yodeling coach, as well as that guy who told unfunny jokes on Full House

1 Beginnings
2 Joining the Tanner Family
3 Personality Traits
4 Health
5 Jet Ski Accident
6 Death

Beginnings

Joey was born on March 4, 1958 behind a McDonald’s restaurant in Hartford, Connecticut. His parentage is unknown, but on his birth certificate (which was written in crayon on the back of a hamburger wrapper) lists his mother as Elton John and father as one “Woo Woo John”. Gladstone refused to talk about his upbringing throughout his life. However, one night in 1989 when severely drunk on Tang, Joey confided in Michelle that he and his family moved to California to join the Manson Family, but were rejected on the grounds that there were all too short and stubby, and didn’t have enough of the old convalescent home snap. Joey broke down into tears after this revelation, but soon snapped into a rage after Michelle laughed at him. He attempted to strangle her, but was thwarted when Ed Gein appeared out of nowhere and beat him into submission with a framed picture of a Peerless onion bin.

Joining the Tanner Family

After being rejected by the Manson family, Joey eventually lived out the rest of his grim childhood and took a job working at the very McDonald’s he was born in. Being that he now lived in San Francisco, his daily commute was an enormous strain on him both physically and financially. In addition, since he did this from 1980-1987 so he never got to witness a first-run episode of The A-Team and also never found out who shot J.R.. He eventually quit his job and decided to go around the streets of San Francisco, telling unfunny jokes and doing awkward impressions of cartoon characters for tourist’s pennies. One day while panhandling, he wandered into a convalescent home and saw Danny Tanner nervously talking to himself and hiding behind a stack of Matlock video cassettes. He was wringing his hands and stomping around like an Armenian. Gladstone asked him what was wrong and Danny told him that he while he was in the convalescent home, he had a particularly bad episode of ocd and attempted to clean the old people’s depends before they even had a chance to soil them. Just about then, a lynch mob consisting the staff of the convalescent home, as well as many depend-less senior citizens found Danny and got ready to move into for the kill. Instantly, Joey snapped into one of his comedy routines which annoyed everyone so much they said they’d forget about what Danny had done if he’d just get Joey the hell out of the building. Joey and Danny became best friends as well as roommates as a result of this adventure.

Personality Traits

As already mentioned, Joey was a highly unskilled comedian and loved to annoy people with his caperings. What many people don’t know about him is that he had an out of control spanking fetish. Nobody in the Tanner house was safe from being pulled over his knee for a thorough ass reddening at any time. The only Tanner ever to escape from this treatment was Comet the dog, as he ripped off the ring finger on Joey’s left hand the one time he attempted to spank him. Despite the highly inappropriate and sometimes illegal lengths Joey would go to in order to satisfy his spanking urges, he usually got away with little to no consequences. There were however, two notable exceptions. One of these was when he burst on to the set of Wake Up San Francisco and spanked Rebecca, Danny, and special guest Julia Child. For this infraction, he received a fine of $50 from the FCC. The only other time he received any kind of punishment for his actions was when he spanked all three Tanner children as well as his own grandfather during a visit to the Tanner home by the DCF. He served 24 minutes in a maximum security prison and was forced to take six weeks of auto maintenance courses at the local adult education annex. Though usually very light-hearted, Joey for a time attempted to give up being childish. He started dressing in an orange sweatsuit and asking to be called “Watson”. Additionally, he once became so fierce in preparing for a hockey match that he scared Jeffrey Dahmer.

Health

For years, Joey lied to the Tanner family, claiming that he had never at any point suffered from erectile dysfunction even though he had suffered from the condition on and off between the ages of 2 and 11. In the episode “A Droop In Our House”, Joey’s father comes to visit and tells the Tanners about Joey’s childhood impotence, which he vehemently denies. He gets so angry that he shoves an entire bag of Cheetos into the family pencil sharpener. Much to Joey’s shock and horror, his erectile dysfunction makes an unwelcome and ironic return that very day. He wasn’t able to get it up again until 5 months later when he spied on the entire cast of The Wonder Years engaged in a mutual masturbation session.

Jet Ski Accident

In the summer of 1998, Joey was involved in a horrific jet ski accident while riding on his brand new (at the time) GSX, which he had named “The Red Blueberry”. On the day of the accident, he was zipping around in San Pablo Bay, looking forward to the Chris Ronnie and the People concert he was going to see that evening. He saw an an obese yet attractive woman on the beach and was trying to show off to her by steering the Jetski with his testicles. This caused him a significant amount of pain when his jetski went over a wave and jarred the handlebars into his testicles. Deciding that he didn’t want to do any more jetskiing for the day, he attempted to drive to his dock but in the process he smashed into another dock, killing six local Lithuanian locksmiths and scaring beloved humanitarian and frequent Wendy’s patron Arthur Shawcross

Death

Joey Gladstone tragically died on August 10, 2007 in a sleeping bag unrolling accident at the age of 49. He was cremated and his ashes were spread over the headquarters of the Firm Hand spanking video headquarters.