Granted, things in the 90s were better than they are now, but they still sucked ass. Missing the 90s today is the equivalent of an amputee fondly recalling the days when his leg was useless, withered, and consumed by gangrene rather than reflecting on the days when it was healthy and functional.

In fact, the 90s were what gave rise to my love of the 80s. Like any other rotten little bastard from hell (ie anyone below the age of 18) I didn’t appreciate a good thing when I had it and wasn’t concerned when the 80s came to a close. I can remember watching the ball drop and the second the 90s began and actually being excited for it. It was kind of like spending months looking forward to your bachelor party, only to have it come and be treated to a 45 year old obese toothless stripper, O’Doul’s, and reduced fat ham.

90s music flat out sucked ass. We mainly just had a litany of bullshit rap and r&b acts that made me envy the deaf and music videos that made me envy the blind. Then there was the grunge scene and in it, Nirvana, the most overrated band of all time. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that Nirvana sucked, since they were easily one of the best bands of the 90s. That’s not really saying too much though. It’s kind of like winning the prize for being the hottest ugly person.

However, Kurt Cobain wasn’t this immortal tortured genius that the world makes him out to be. He was just a guy who played guitar, moped around, enjoyed cross-dressing, fucked Courtney Love, and killed himself. Apart from the suicide, he was just like anyone else in America. If he was really this deep, complex soul who couldn’t stand the concept of “selling out” then he never would have left his garage to begin with.

Then there was 90s Internet, which for most of us meant a dial-up connection. Do you remember having to wait 45 minutes to download 30 second porn clips? Yeah, that was really fun. Not to mention the fact that they usually had a poorer visual quality than what you’d see if you had cataracts, were blindfolded, and held underwater.

The 90s were also the decade that served as the downfall of commercials. Commercials from around 1990-1992 are ok, but there was a gradual yet steady drop in the quality of commercials throughout the 90s that saw them starting out nearly as good as 80s commercials and ending up pretty much equally shitty to the ones that are on tv now. Think I’m bullshitting you? Take a look at the 2 following clips, one from 1990 and the other from 1999.

In the first clip, we meet Calvin, a kid who is bettering himself by getting a job in the most noble profession on Earth – supplying people with burgers. It’s turning him around and making him into a responsible member of the community. Now watch the 2nd clip. It shows some douche sitting around and bragging about his wealth, even though there’s nobody around to listen. I want to kill this man and so do you, and therein you can see the deterioration in the quality of commercials.

At the beginning of the 90s, they featured likable characters you could root for. By the end of the 90s, as is also the case here in 2012, every commercial actor/actress was such an asshole it would ruin your day just to see them. These days, poor Calvin is probably dead, having taken the high road and deciding to kill himself rather than help advance the whole “McCafe” horseshit.

90s tv sucked too. When I think of 90s television, I remember such unwatchable drivel as Full House, Home Improvement, Friends, Seinfeld, Phenom, Dr Quinn Medicine Woman (which my mother forced me to watch EVERY Saturday night), 704 Hauser St, Step By Step, NYPD Blue, the Commish, and so on. There were also a lot of shitty kids’ shows that were on back then too that everyone in my generation has sand in their vaginas about not being able to watch anymore. I didn’t have cable until the later 90s, but friends and kids in my neighborhood did and I’d get stuck watching annoying Nickelodeon shows with them like Doug, Rugrats, and a whole slew of others, the names of which I can’t recall. The one I hated the most was one that was about beavers or something. You probably know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, you’re a lucky bastard.

One thing that was really annoying that I remember from the 90s was how “90s” was used in so many catchphrases. There was “It’s the 90s!”, “90s kind of guy/girl”, “life in the 90s” and anything else that the name of a decade could be added to. I hated it. Even all these years later, we still haven’t managed to stop the bleeding. Aside from the speed and availability of porn, every single one of these issues is in even worse of a state now than it was back then.

Truth be told, we all should’ve just killed ourselves on December 31, 1989 at 11:59pm since the 80s were the pinnacle of being and it was impossible that we could have gone any direction but down once they had ended.

If you happen to be one of the 4 or 5 people who will see this article, think twice before the next time you say something about how much you miss the 90s. Remember how much they sucked and then punch yourself in the face for even having that thought. It’ll be the first step on the road to your recovery.

1. The Chicken McNugget Festivle
One day Jane-Wane and Stewart were going to Denny’s by the highway. The Chicken McNugget Festivle was going to happen. It was sponsored every year on October 20th in honer of Jane-Wane and Stewart. It wasn’t their birthdays, they are just plane spoiled!
When they got there Jane-Wane dived into the food. Eggs everywhere, chicken everywhere, mayonase everywhere! Jane-Wane was tied to the Denny’s sign. Everyone feasted, Stewart and all.
It is 1:00, the time when the Chicken McNuggets go to the leaves! When the Chicken McNuggets were released, Jane-Wane got free but she was too late. The Chicken McNuggets had put on tubes and jump in the river. “Oh no!” said Stewart. “We must not let them get away!” yelled Jane-Wane. “Too bad” said Stewart “We will probbably miss them next time.”
When they got home, it was supper time because they spent all afternoon looking at signs. They wanted Chef Boyardy meals so they picked up cans and sat on the burners. Stewart and Jane-Wane stayed on the burners for 11 seconds then jumped off because they were hot. Jane-Wane saw that the burner put red checkers on her dress. “What perfect fashin to eat my Chicken McNuggets in!” yelled Jane-Wane. Stewart’s pants had a red square. Hooray he hollered. The End

2. The Canadians
The Canadians are very fat and dirty. All four of them live in a hut. Canadian Max is the fattest. Canadian Joe is the dirtyest. Canadian Mike is the most annoying. Canadian Mack smells the worse. The hut is in a pine forrest and they live there with their yack.
Every year on New Year’s Eve, one of the Canadians drives the van to town to get lard. This year is Canadian Max’s turn. Canadian Max went to the store and when he came home he covered the floor in lard and said “Hey guys! Lard!”
SMACK! Canadian Joe jumped down into the lard from the loft. SMASH! Candian Mike jumped into the lard through the window. BASH! Canadian Mack slid into the lard from the table. BING! Canadian Max hurled himself down into the lard.
The next day, after a breakfest of beer, flies, and vests, all of the Canadians went into the van. They drove around. They got out of the van with their chainsaws and started to saw down houses. One man in a house yelled “What are you doing?” Canadian Mack said, “I’m sawing down your house, what do you think?”
The End

Wally the Waffle

One day Wally the Waffle was cross. He didn’t like it that the Dent family kept cooking and eating all of his frends. “Waffles don’t deserve this, it’s sad and it hurts.” said Wally. Then Wally had an idea! He would have a meeting with all of the other waffles in the Dent house.
On Friday when Mr and Mrs Dent were at work and Ted was at school, the meeting started. Wally was worried because only six waffles were there. That means sombody didn’t come. “Where is Ed?” asked Wally. “Ted ate him for breakfest this morning” said Henrietta. “Oh no! This has to stop. We need to get back at the Dents. It is their time to burn! I’ll tell you how” said Wally.
The waffles made their plan and went into action. They moved all of the numbers and stickers around and turned the burners on so the Dents wouldn’t know if they were hot. Then they stole the fangs from Ted’s Haloween costuem so they could bite the Dents.
The Dents came home and wanted to have Jiffy Pop. They all went to the stove and burned their hands. “Ow!” They all screamed. Wally and his friends then rolled into the kitchen and began to jump on the Dents and biting them as they yelled in pain. “This is how it should be! Now you know how we feel!” said Wally.
“We’re sorry” said Ted. We didn’t know you could feel things. “Well we can” said the waffles. The Dents never ate waffles again and Wally and his friends helped fix the burners. Everyone felt normal.
The End

10.  Seth Mac Farlane – Old Self Loving Seth almost didn’t make this list because in many ways, I hate Ashton Kutcher infinitely more. After debating which one of them to include, I ultimately went with Seth MacFarlane due to the fact that he is insufferably arrogant and just has too many shows out right now and pretty much all of them are the exact same thing. The MacFarlane TV Show equation is as follows:

Hot Milf + Cleft-Chinned Dumbass + Awkward Kid + Talking Non-Human + Effeminate Gay Character (could be either a kid or the aforementioned Talking Non-Human) + Immaturely Presented Political Propaganda = Millions of Dollars for MacFarlane and a Shitty Show to Watch for America.

Then there’s the whole Down Syndrome thing. Now I’m not exactly a member of the Sarah Palin fan club, but stooping as low as to make fun of someone for having a disabled kid is disgusting. MacFarlane claims it wasn’t a direct dig at Palin, and I might have possibly believed that, if it weren’t for the fact that the character with Down Syndrome mentions that her mother was governor of Alaska. This pretty much blows that lie right out of the water.
Basically, Seth MacFarlane is the kind of guy who can’t civilly disagree with anyone. Instead, he has to insult whoever he disagrees with and shit all over their beliefs or characters repeatedly until the desire to punch him in his beady-eyed face becomes unbearable. Thankfully, most people can avoid all that simply by changing the channel.
9. Anybody on Jersey Shore - It says a lot about how far our society has fallen when a group of disease ridden drunken sluts and man-whores are able to become millionaires just by being their worthless selves. Any of us who work real jobs have to feel a little suicidal when we work our asses off for chump change while knowing there are people out there who are making enough money to buy and sell us just to get drunk and fuck. Besides, anyone who calls themself “Snooki” or “The Situation” is better off taking a cyanide pill anyway.

8. Eric Devendorf – 99% of the world probably doesn’t know who he is, so if you’re not someone who watches Big East basketball, I’ll fill you in on the details. Eric Devendorf was a douchebag who played for Syracuse from 2005-2009 and led the NCAA in unlikability  each season. I don’t think “unlikability” is really a word, but who gives a fuck. When he wasn’t standing on tables and pounding his chest like a retarded gorilla after making a shot that he failed to get off before time ended, he liked to spend his college days smacking around his girlfriend, being a general prickbag, and getting his ass bailed out time and time again by slick Jimmy Boeheim.  He entered the NBA draft and failed to get picked by a team, then ended up playing in New Zealand briefly before getting in trouble with some cops after a bar fight and subsequently released from his team. Last I knew, he was playing somewhere in the D-League with about as much chance to make the NBA as Sally Struthers.

7. Jennifer Aniston – If there were ever a person who needed to just shut the fuck up and get over themselves, it’s Jennifer Aniston. Every time she has the slightest disappointment, she’s out there crying and whining about it and is on the cover of every magazine. Just once, I’d like to be able to go to the checkout counter in a grocery store and not see 20 magazines with her on the cover or people talking about this “Team Jennifer” bullshit. Nobody ever cares when I go through a breakup, nobody cares if you don’t get to have a fucking baby, and nobody is whining when your ex is dating someone else 8 years after breaking up with you. The only reason that Jennifer Aniston is ranked at the 7th most worthless and not even higher is that her nude shot on the cover of Esquire back in 1993 (when she was still hot) made waiting in the barbershop more enjoyable for my 10 year old self.

6. Me –  (Image not included since some of you may be trying to eat while you read this) I pretty much have to put myself on this list or else I’d be quite the hypocrite. I’m 28, live with my parents, don’t make a living wage, have man tits, and the closest thing I have to a girlfriend at the moment is the baconator. Yeah, I suck ass from a straw.

5. Sasha Cohen – I fucking hate this guy. Rather than rehash everything I’ve already said about him on this site, I’ll just leave you with my two previous anti-Cohen rants. Read them, they’ll help pass the time:  First Sasha Cohen Sucks Ass Article   Second Sasha Cohen Sucks Ass Article

4. Rush Limbaugh – Pictured here blowing more smoke up your ass, Rush Limbaugh is either an incredibly stupid douchebag or a thinly vailed semi-intelligent douchebag who is just acting. I’m much more inclined to go with the first one though, as you can’t fake the kind of shit he spews out. I can’t think of any person throughout history who has done more to damage their own cause. Limbaugh is the kind of guy who gives conservatives a bad name, and yet many conservatives still worship the ground that this ass hat walks on. He’s the equivalent of a pitcher who hits every batter that comes to the plate and makes the opposing team win without having to do anything. With guys like him and the conservative lemmings who support him, it’s no wonder why America voted in a clown like Obama. Speaking of the Obama, that brings us to #3.

3. Michelle Obama – She may be married to a president, but that alone doesn’t make a person important. She’s an attention whore to the tenth degree and I’m sick as all hell of her, her annoying voice, and her health nazi ways. Based on her appearance and the fact that she can’t even get her own husband to stop smoking, I can’t really imagine that she truly believes in half the shit she says. She just knows that health nazism is the flavor of the month and figures that by yapping about it non-stop she’ll be seen as some kind of national hero championing a great cause. Even so, it’s not like she’s hitting new territory. Everyone is talking everyone else’s ass off about health these days, so she’s not doing anything that hasn’t already been done. It’s the equivalent of flicking a Bic and then acting like you’re the one who first discovered fire. Basically the one and only thing that I like about Barack Obama is the fact that he eats at Five Guys. I hope the next time he goes there, he brings back an extra burger to cram in his wife’s mouth so she’ll shut up for once.

2. David Letterman – As is the case with Sasha Cohen, I’ve pretty much already pointed out all the reasons why David Letterman is an asshole in a previous post. When it comes to being douche though, David Letterman is like Sasha Cohen squared, not only because he’s been around for much longer, but also because in addition to being annoying and unfunny, he has an ego bigger than Jennifer Lopez’s ass. I almost said Vida Guerra’s ass, but I didn’t want to taint her hotness by using her in that sentence.

1. Michael Vick – Michael Vick is not only the most worthless person in America, but one of the most disgusting, evil, and abhorrent people in the universe. I have nothing but respect for the Atlanta Falcons for canning his ass and nothing but disrespect for the Philadelphia Eagles for giving this guy the 2nd chance that he did not deserve. The guy was already a multi millionaire, but for more money and his own sick fun, he ran a dog fighting ring which resulted in the injury, mutilation, and death of countless dogs. The man is a murderer and should be rotting in prison for the rest of his life. Instead, he’s out there playing football, making millions, and banging supermodels. I hope next season he’ll take a hit that breaks every bone in his body and when he’s down on the field, every spectator comes down and rapes his ass with machetes.

Don’t put milk in cereal

It is just plain wrong

_____

Vida Guerra’s ass

Is proof that God loves us all

Cuba’s best export

_____

You know what I hate?

Blowing on babies’ stomachs

Grounds for homicide

_____

Don’t buy kids iPhones

They’ll grow up to be assholes

Just like mom and dad

_____

Fuck off health nazis

Baconators forever

Fat pride – Recognize

_____

Never wear boyshorts

Thongs are far superior

For displaying ass

_____

Relish my relish

You are now 18 years young

Here’s to 18 more

_____

Two and a half men

Ashton Kutcher is a douche

Please cancel this shit

_____

Michelle Obama

Please shut up and go away

Queen of health nazis

_____

This is what I do

When I have no ideas

Sorry for this post

As the commercial wore on, the whole thing started to feel more and more familiar – sort of what I imagine a recurring herpes attack feels like for a veteran herpes sufferer. Then it hit me, I knew where I’d seen this kind of pathetic and annoying acting before – in Bruno and in Borat. Sure enough, as soon as I had completed this thought, it was revealed that Sasha Cohen was starring in and directing this steaming pile of slug shit.

Don't let more of this happen.

Isn’t it enough that this douche has already put out two movies where he played the same character and used all the same jokes, with only the titles being the different? I was pissed off enough when Bruno came out but now it seems there’s a trilogy of worthlessness upon us. Please don’t waste your money on this bullshit, it’ll only encourage Cohen further and inspire him to make the same movie for a fourth time.

Sasha Cohen is like that unfunny drunk you run into at every party who never shuts the fuck up and never gets out of your face. He’s like a hammer made of petrified jizz rags eternally nailing you in the brain until you’ve completely lost any sense of humor or for that matter, any will to live.

I also hate the way he always uses his middle name. Sasha Baron Cohen is the shittiest name anyone has ever had, bar none. Maybe he thinks just Sasha by itself sounds a little too effeminate. Instead of including his middle name, maybe he should just stop wearing mankinis and stop t-bagging Eminem if he wants to restore his masculinity. He’s not the only celebrity to do the middle name thing. Lots of them do it and it’s really fucking annoying for some reason. Some of the other offenders are Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jonathan Taylor Thomas (who in and of himself made the 90s unlivable), Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and several others who I don’t feel like bothering to remember at the moment.

Nobody uses all 3 names in real life, so why do these dumbass celebrities think they have to do it? It doesn’t make their names any more catchy nor does it make their weak acting skills and insufferable personalities any easier to bear. Sarah Michelle Gellar gets a pass though, because when you’re as hot as she is, you can get away with pretty much anything.

Getting back to the main topic, Sasha Cohen blows. His arrogance knows no bounds. I can’t figure out how he manages to sleep at night after making the same exact shit movies time after time and raping people’s wallets to see them. Movie theater employees should shoot anyone who buys a ticket to The Dictator. Not only would this help to prevent Cohen from making another film, but the intense pain and arduous road to recovery provided by the shootings would by no doubt bring infinitely more happiness and laughs to the victims than watching any Sasha Cohen movie ever could.

The first commercial on the shit list is the “Dance Cooking” commercial for Bounty paper towels. This commercial combines three of my least favorite things: dancing, kids, and spilled liquids. It starts out with these two annoying little shits clumsily flopping around the kitchen to music as they wave spoons around and stir unidentifiable substances in bowls. All is well, happy, and serene as their mother looks at them with a look of intolerable smugness although the father has the classic “why the hell didn’t I get a vasectomy before it was too late?” look. It’s an unmistakable expression. I saw it on my father’s face every day of my childhood, and rightly so.

Anyway, one of the daughters eventually bumps into a glass and spills some kind of juice onto the counter. The kids just kind of gape at it in shock and Mr NoSnip looks like he wants to die. That’s when the smug mother snaps into action and blows our collective minds by showing she can wipe up the spill with just one sheet of Bounty paper towels.

I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to saying why I hate this commercial. Kids should be permitted to dance under absolutely no circumstance. I hate the looks on those little brats’ faces. So happy and secure with themselves as they dash around like retarded monkeys to shitty music. If your kids are going to be that careless when they’re cooking, then you shouldn’t let them cook. I wouldn’t trust them with an EZ Bake Oven, let alone actual cooking supplies. The whole commercial is like some kind of a pro-abortion PSA. Maybe in the next Bounty commercial the mother will have a miscarriage and wipe it up with just one sheet of paper towels. This time it’ll be the father who dances for joy.

Annoying commercial #2 is yet another one from Geico. Not satisfied with the irritating commercials they created that I mentioned in my annoying insurance commercials post, Geico had to raise the shit bar and scrap the Gecko in favor of the mother fucking annoying screaming pig. I hate the Geico pig more than pretty much anything else on this planet, and that even includes the health nazis. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, click the previous link or if you’re too lazy to go up and do  that, (hell, I probably would be) watch the embedded video below.

Every time that fucking pig says “wee-wee-weeee” I feel like I’m being gang-raped in every orifice with thorn encrusted dildos. It is the single most annoying and unpleasant sound I have ever heard. The worst thing about this commercial isn’t even the commercial itself – it’s the fact that this is a remake of an even more annoying commercial featuring the same abhorrent little porker (the one where he’s being driven home by some generic soccer mom). You’d think Geico would have gotten enough complaints over the first one, but apparently there are enough assholes out there who actually enjoyed it that they were inspired to make another one.

I also hate the way the pig waves those fucking pinwheels around the whole commercial. On an unrelated note, does anyone else out there remember the show Pinwheel? That show used to scare the living fuck out of me as a kid.

The third grating ad is the new commercial that’s running for the bacon double cheeseburgers at McDonald’s. This commercial sucks so much ass that even McDonald’s must be ashamed of it, because I can’t find a clip of it on YouTube to serve as a visual aid.

It’s pretty hard to create an advertisement for anything containing bacon that would incur my hate and wrath, but McDonald’s has managed to do just that. The commercial I’m haranguing is the one where some fat middle aged guy with a beard is lying in bed and his pregnant wife mumbles the word “pickles”. The guy appears to be about 50 and is too fucking old to be having new kids. It’s also depressing that this 50 year old fatass with a scraggly beard can get a hot young wife when I can’t attract women to save my life. Yes, I know it’s just a commercial but still… fuck.

As the commercial wears on, the expectant dipshit gets into his car and keeps saying “pickles pickles pickles” to himself over and over again. That alone shows that he shouldn’t be reproducing. I mean shit, his wife asks for one item, not an entire shopping list. Is he really going to go out in the middle of the night in pouring rain and then forget why he’s doing it? Apparently this is the case, because he gets distracted when he sees a McDonald’s and stops in for a bacon McDouble and returns home without the pickles and his wife is at the door waiting for him and scowling. He then gets back to his car and starts chanting about pickles again.

What kind of empty sack must this guy be anyway, that he’s getting up in the middle of the night to buy his pregnant wife pickles? She can fucking wait until morning if she wants them that badly. I can’t say I feel any pity for him though, because any guy who is dumb enough to not be able to remember something as simple as a jar of pickles deserves to be whipped and miserable. All other things aside,pregnancy craving jokes are the lowest form of comedy. Hack writers have been milking this shit-gem for decades now. It wasn’t funny 60 years ago and it’s not funny now.

Another commercial I hate that I can’t find a video for, or more correctly a series of commercials, is that ongoing douche opera featuring the roommates who are always playing Nintendo DS. Maybe it’s a different Nintendo system, but I don’t give a fuck. I suppose the fact that I can’t even remember what actual product these ads are for is a shining example of their utter worthlessness.

Anyway, each of these commercials starts out with four or five trendy looking wastes of life who are sitting around playing video games and talking among themselves. The main topic of conversation usually revolves around how much they hate the roommate with the blond hair and the big nose who I think is called John. John then proceeds to make some sort of claim that he’ll beat them in their current round of gameplay, only to fail and be subjected to various humiliating treatments.

The only game I’d like to see these bastards play is Russian Roulette. The only catch would be that every chamber would be loaded, so they’d all die. The John guy would get to have his revenge by shooting all of his roommates, and then as he was dancing around and gloating he’d inadvertently blow his own head off too. Somebody would also have to sneak some cyanide tablets into their beers too just in case they survived the bullet wounds. That’d be five less trendy college kids to worry about.

The last infuriating commercials that shall be discussed in this post are the ones that have been airing for the past 10 years or so for “Kidz Bop”. Every one of these commercials is pretty much the same. They feature groups of shrill voiced little bastards flailing around and singing their favorite pop songs. Pop music is annoying enough as it is. The only thing that can possibly make it worse is having the actual singers’ voices replaced by those of prepubescent little monsters.

There’s something very wrong with the world when these albums are successful enough that they’re continuing to be produced. The kind of parents who buy these for their kids are probably the same ones who end up being grandparents before the age of 40. Your obnoxious little bastards will have time to be sexually promiscuous and arrogant teenagers soon enough. For now just let them be the miserable little self-centered shits that they are.

Just in case you’ve managed to enjoy your life thus far, watch the below clip of the Kidz Bop kids dancing to Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way”. It will make you regret your very existence. Speaking of Lady Gaga, she’s an unbearable attention whore who would have worn out her welcome years ago, if it weren’t for the fact that she was never welcome to begin with. Nice ass though.

1 Summary
2 The Books
3 Charlie Brown Meets Simon The Brown
4 Charlie Brown’s Baseball Team Gets A Kooky Koach
5 Linus Learns the Hard Way
6 Watch Out Lucy, Schroeder Can Sue
7 64 Things You Should Never Do with a Raccoon

Summary

The five books were entitled Charlie Brown Meets Simon the Brown, Charlie Brown’s Baseball Team Gets a Kooky Coach, Linus Learns the Hard Way, Watch out Lucy,Schroeder Can Sue, and 64 Things You Should Never Do with a Raccoon. The books were very controversial at the time of their release, which was in 1971. Widely banned by schools and denounced by parent’s groups, the series still became popular enough to be formatted into a made for TV movie which aired on February 20, 1972. Singer and raccoon rights activist Sammy Hagar was quoted as having said “This is wrong. It’s just plain wrong. David Lee Roth is somehow behind this, I just know it. Damn his oily hide.”

The Books

Charlie Brown Meets Simon The Brown

Widely considered to be the most famous and effective book in the series, this is the book in which Charlie Brown encounters Simon the Brown. This book seeks to teach children the importance of locking the doors and windows in their homes at night, that playing with corpses is wrong, and that if you value your testicles (or ovaries as the case may be) you shouldn’t question the actions of others. Though adapted from early Peanuts strips from the 1960s, Simon the Brown is much more well known from the book. Simon the Brown is a local fecophiliac who stands 4’1 and weighs 231 lbs. He needs to use cross country skis to get around because his significant weight and short stature make it difficult for him to walk long distances. He likes to break into Charlie Brown’s room at night, sing Bobby Darin songs, and stuff feces under Charlie Brown’s eyelids. One fateful night, Snoopy kills Simon by shoving a rusty railroad spike into him, which infects Simon with tetanus which he succumbs to 11 days afterward. For reasons unknown, Lucy and Snoopy decide to move Simon’s corpse around to create the illusion of him being alive, a technique that was later used in Weekend at Bernie’s. One night Charlie Brown dares to question this and Woodstock pecks him in the testicles and he ends up having to go to Nabisco Valley General Hospital. While there, he tells his doctors about Simon’s exploits but they do not believe him, and he is consequently placed on a heavy dose of anti psychotic medication. This causes him to become very uncoordinated and slows down his reaction time. This is the reason why he can’t kick a football anymore. A brief cameo appearance is made by Ethan the Yellow, Simon the Brown’s fraternal twin brother who stands 7’2″, weighs 97lbs and needs to use iron braces to walk. He is a urine fetishist.

Charlie Brown’s Baseball Team Gets A Kooky Koach

The second book of the series relates the tale of woe that ensues when Charlie Brown’s little league team gets a coach who has an uncontrollable lust for children. This book seeks to educate children on how to know a pedophile when they see one and to trust their gut when they think their Little League coach is behaving in an inappropriate manner. It also casts a very critical eye on today’s loose parole system in American prisons. After their Little League coach decides to move to Connecticut and start a jetski dealership, Charlie and company start their search for a new coach. While walking by a torched circus tent, they meet a trembling man dressed in a pink t shirt and yellow sweat pants named Mr. von Friendly. He overhears their talk of needing a coach and jumps at the opportunity. Delighted by the stranger’s charm, the kids make him their manager. Pain, confusion, and frustration ensue as Mr von Friendly refuses to focus on baseball and repeatedly makes the team wear speedos and jump around on a trampoline while he watches and grins unwholesomely. Pigpen eventually tips off the authorities when Mr Friendly insists on taking showers with the team at the end of each game, and he is promptly carted off to jail. Traumatized, the gang vows never to play baseball again.

Linus Learns the Hard Way

The darkest of all the books in this series, Linus Learns the Hard Way focuses on the toll that drug abuse and addiction takes on teens, their friends, their families, and the community at large. This book takes place ten years in the future, when Linus finds himself as an acne encrusted, socially awkward, and Del Monte obsessed teenager. He strikes out with the girls, loses interest in school, and just can’t seem to fit in socially. His constant references to Del Monte annoy his classmates and isolate him further. One day, a DARE officer comes to Linus’s high school to talk about the dangers of drug abuse but Linus doesn’t listen to him. On his way home from school that day, he meets a drug dealer named Horace who he buys some heroin from and starts shooting up. This becomes a daily habit for Linus and soon heroin is all he cares about. A particularly heart wrenching moment comes when Charlie Brown, desperate to get his pal to do something that doesn’t involve smack, tells him about a new kind of fruit salad that Del Monte is about to release. Turning away from Charlie, Linus says, “Who the fuck cares? Del Monte is dead to me, Del Monte can’t give me what I need.” After several failed attempts at conducting interventions for Linus, his friends eventually give up until Linus holds up the local Burger King, demanding the cash register be handed over to him because he’s out of money and needs his fix. He shoots three Burger King employees, then collapses to the ground realizing what he has become. Shakily, he points the gun toward himself and shoots, and the last page of the story contains nothing but a blood red page. On a mildly uplifting note, the book contains a “final thought” which says that this is a probable, but not definite future for Linus and that kids need to do what they can to avoid becoming like him. The book suggests such methods as joining the local 4H club, getting addicted to porn instead, or just killing themselves when they finish reading the book to make sure they never try that first shot of heroin.

Watch Out Lucy, Schroeder Can Sue

This is the fourth book of the series and is seen as the weakest both in content and plot. It’s been rumored that writing staff and illustrators didn’t get the cost of living increase they wanted and in reaction they purposely made this book as poorly as they could. The year is 1971 and the women’s lib movement is gaining momentum. Lucy feels emboldened by this and takes her pursuit of Schroeder up a notch. When Schroeder ignores her, she yanks some piano wire out of his piano and slashes Schroeder’s left index finger in half with it. After getting his finger sewn back together and taking some time to recover, Schroeder decides to sue Lucy. The reader never learns what happens after this because the rest of the book just contains 32 mostly blank pages. The pages that do contain text largely consist of the letter N and what appears to have been a brainstorming session for writing a slogan for Dan Quayle’s would-be 1972 presidential run. The slogans were all so horrible that Quayle decided not to go forward with his candidacy.

64 Things You Should Never Do with a Raccoon

This book is the last of the series and as the title implies, it educates children on things that should never be done with a raccoon. Examples include purposely infecting a raccoon with rabies then turning it loose on your oilman, jamming the raccoon down buxom women’s shirts on the subway, swinging a raccoon by its tail as a makeshift lasso, and getting practice on how to give an effective handjob through stimulating a raccoon. The most memorable section of the book is when Charlie Brown, Linus, Snoopy, and Peppermint Patty try to gain control of old people’s minds by using a raccoon. After they bring a raccoon into a convalescent home and untie it, they try to pick it up and get it to stare into the old people’s eyes as they slowly chant hackneyed hypnosis cliches. This doesn’t work and the raccoon jumps from their grasp and runs amok through the convalescent home, biting old people, knocking pills out of their jars, causing a kitchen fire, and tearing the shorts of an unsuspecting UPS delivery worker. As punishment, the kids are sent to juvenile hall for a month, then have to serve 50 hours of community service at the very same convalescent home.

1 Beginnings
2 Joining the Tanner Family
3 Personality Traits
4 Health
5 Jet Ski Accident
6 Death

Beginnings

Joey was born on March 4, 1958 behind a McDonald’s restaurant in Hartford, Connecticut. His parentage is unknown, but on his birth certificate (which was written in crayon on the back of a hamburger wrapper) lists his mother as Elton John and father as one “Woo Woo John”. Gladstone refused to talk about his upbringing throughout his life. However, one night in 1989 when severely drunk on Tang, Joey confided in Michelle that he and his family moved to California to join the Manson Family, but were rejected on the grounds that there were all too short and stubby, and didn’t have enough of the old convalescent home snap. Joey broke down into tears after this revelation, but soon snapped into a rage after Michelle laughed at him. He attempted to strangle her, but was thwarted when Ed Gein appeared out of nowhere and beat him into submission with a framed picture of a Peerless onion bin.

Joining the Tanner Family

After being rejected by the Manson family, Joey eventually lived out the rest of his grim childhood and took a job working at the very McDonald’s he was born in. Being that he now lived in San Francisco, his daily commute was an enormous strain on him both physically and financially. In addition, since he did this from 1980-1987 so he never got to witness a first-run episode of The A-Team and also never found out who shot J.R.. He eventually quit his job and decided to go around the streets of San Francisco, telling unfunny jokes and doing awkward impressions of cartoon characters for tourist’s pennies. One day while panhandling, he wandered into a convalescent home and saw Danny Tanner nervously talking to himself and hiding behind a stack of Matlock video cassettes. He was wringing his hands and stomping around like an Armenian. Gladstone asked him what was wrong and Danny told him that he while he was in the convalescent home, he had a particularly bad episode of ocd and attempted to clean the old people’s depends before they even had a chance to soil them. Just about then, a lynch mob consisting the staff of the convalescent home, as well as many depend-less senior citizens found Danny and got ready to move into for the kill. Instantly, Joey snapped into one of his comedy routines which annoyed everyone so much they said they’d forget about what Danny had done if he’d just get Joey the hell out of the building. Joey and Danny became best friends as well as roommates as a result of this adventure.

Personality Traits

As already mentioned, Joey was a highly unskilled comedian and loved to annoy people with his caperings. What many people don’t know about him is that he had an out of control spanking fetish. Nobody in the Tanner house was safe from being pulled over his knee for a thorough ass reddening at any time. The only Tanner ever to escape from this treatment was Comet the dog, as he ripped off the ring finger on Joey’s left hand the one time he attempted to spank him. Despite the highly inappropriate and sometimes illegal lengths Joey would go to in order to satisfy his spanking urges, he usually got away with little to no consequences. There were however, two notable exceptions. One of these was when he burst on to the set of Wake Up San Francisco and spanked Rebecca, Danny, and special guest Julia Child. For this infraction, he received a fine of $50 from the FCC. The only other time he received any kind of punishment for his actions was when he spanked all three Tanner children as well as his own grandfather during a visit to the Tanner home by the DCF. He served 24 minutes in a maximum security prison and was forced to take six weeks of auto maintenance courses at the local adult education annex. Though usually very light-hearted, Joey for a time attempted to give up being childish. He started dressing in an orange sweatsuit and asking to be called “Watson”. Additionally, he once became so fierce in preparing for a hockey match that he scared Jeffrey Dahmer.

Health

For years, Joey lied to the Tanner family, claiming that he had never at any point suffered from erectile dysfunction even though he had suffered from the condition on and off between the ages of 2 and 11. In the episode “A Droop In Our House”, Joey’s father comes to visit and tells the Tanners about Joey’s childhood impotence, which he vehemently denies. He gets so angry that he shoves an entire bag of Cheetos into the family pencil sharpener. Much to Joey’s shock and horror, his erectile dysfunction makes an unwelcome and ironic return that very day. He wasn’t able to get it up again until 5 months later when he spied on the entire cast of The Wonder Years engaged in a mutual masturbation session.

Jet Ski Accident

In the summer of 1998, Joey was involved in a horrific jet ski accident while riding on his brand new (at the time) GSX, which he had named “The Red Blueberry”. On the day of the accident, he was zipping around in San Pablo Bay, looking forward to the Chris Ronnie and the People concert he was going to see that evening. He saw an an obese yet attractive woman on the beach and was trying to show off to her by steering the Jetski with his testicles. This caused him a significant amount of pain when his jetski went over a wave and jarred the handlebars into his testicles. Deciding that he didn’t want to do any more jetskiing for the day, he attempted to drive to his dock but in the process he smashed into another dock, killing six local Lithuanian locksmiths and scaring beloved humanitarian and frequent Wendy’s patron Arthur Shawcross

Death

Joey Gladstone tragically died on August 10, 2007 in a sleeping bag unrolling accident at the age of 49. He was cremated and his ashes were spread over the headquarters of the Firm Hand spanking video headquarters.

Granted, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show has been going downhill for the past 8 years or so, but this year’s specimen blew the shit right out of the toilet bowl. At one time, this used to be an event that was all about insecure pathetic guys who sat around at home because they lacked social lives and couldn’t get an attractive woman if their sad lives depended on it. In other words, guys like me. This was the one night of the year when we could pull our heads out of the oven and enjoy an evening of sophisticated titilation that didn’t result in quite the same degree of self hatred as shelling out money for Internet porn.

These old times for which I pine were in the days when the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was about lingerie, rather than weird looking costumes that nobody would ever wear in real life. How fondly I recall the VS Fashion Shows of old where models would strut the catwalk in thongs and actually have the cameras focus on their asses as they turned to walk back to the backstage area. Anyone who reads this site with any degree of regularity knows that I’m an assman to the core. (I’m 1/2048th black and my fondness for a voluptuous set of female buttocks is where it comes out. I apologize to the PC crowd for the use of a hackneyed stereotype) As I said, in recent years the show has been going more and more downhill, but it is the ass shots that have suffered the most. Now, if any model is wearing panties that leave anything exposed, she’ll be wearing some kind of fucking cape or weird looking skirt to deprive us assmen of the view. In the few instances where this isn’t the case, the camera will usually pan away as soon as the girl turns around. However, even as recently as last year, a few ass shots were allowed into the airing.

Fast forward to this year’s show and things have taken a drastic turn for the worse. As I watched one model turn around, I saw that her ass was actually blurred out by the camera. Fucking Unbelievable, I thought to myself, hoping that it was just a case of the camera having trouble focusing at a distance. My self delusion didn’t hold up for long though, as ass after ass was blurred out in a similar manner. For a moment, please consider the thong. The thong is all about the ass, so to have a fashion show that displays such an item and to not show the ass itself is completely inexcusable. Let’s forget thongs for a minute. By this point I was willing to accept any ass shots at all. I kept time throughout the airing of the show and the total amount of screen time for a rear view of models (and this is counting panties that had full ass coverage) totaled 29 seconds. The show is 60 minutes long and when you factor in commercials and the insufferable musical peformances, there was probably about a half hour of actual lingerie being displayed. Even so, this amounts to 1800 seconds. This amounts to less than 2% of the time being devoted to ass shots. Even if you’re someone with an actual life, perhaps a woman watching the show, wouldn’t you at least want to see how the lingerie would look in action from all angles?

Going beyond the lack of ass, what was even more sorely lacking was actual lingerie. Instead of strutting the catwalk in bras and panties as they once did, nearly all of the models were wearing gaudy, ugly-ass, weird costumes that aren’t even sold in the Victoria’s Secret stores and which nobody would ever wear. You can quite clearly tell that these were designed by the kind of fellows who don’t find women attractive. I could see if just a few of these were included for the pageantry and all, but without exaggeration, they made up about 90% of the show. That’d be like Pizza Hut having an hour long tv special where they spend nearly the whole time showing their salt shakers and neglecting to mention any actual pizza.

One costume group that especially bothered me was when they had the models in “lingerie” superhero outfits. All of these of course came with capes that again blocked out any ass shots and in general were about as revealing and arousing as a grandmother in a bathrobe. I remember one of the capes said “Incredible!” on the back of it. The only thing “incredible” about this evening was the level of disappointment incurred and the fact that despite my complaining, I and every other pitiful guy in the country will be tuned in again next year, simply because it’s Victoria’s Secret and we’re stupid. If CBS were to show an hour long film of Ron Howard eating celery and put “Victoria’s Secret” into the title of the show, it would still draw millions of viewers and earn CBS a killing in ad revenues. Sometimes I just wish the world would end.

There were also a lot of needless segments that took place throughout the show. There were interviews with the models that nobody on Earth would find interesting. As if the regular interviews weren’t bad enough, they spent a good amount of time filming the models showing pictures of themselves as kids, often in revealing outfits. Note to CBS – showing a topless picture of a 6 year old isn’t going to impress anyone. If we wanted to see that, we’d be looking at child porn, and then hopefully looking at a prison cell. At one point during this process the screen kept filling with Batman-esque textual sound effects (hence the title of this post). When you can’t tell if you’re watching a lingerie fashion show or a low-budget 60s Adam West tv series, something is horribly wrong.

The worst part of the evening was probably all of the musical guests. No self-respecting sex deprived loser wants to watch Maroon 5, Jay-Z, or Kanye West sing and hobble around the catwalk at a lingerie fashion show. Hell, I wouldn’t want to see that anywhere. They could’ve at least gotten Beyonce to perform and made it more pleasant on the eyes… or they could’ve just had nobody singing and just had a real lingerie fashion show.

The commercial breaks pissed me off too. They kept touting annoying odious product after annoying odious product. “The Talk”. Late Show with David Letterman. The Lenovo “Do” Machine, PC Richard and Sons (damn that fucking whistle to hell). A wide array of CBS shitcoms. The only worthwhile commercials were the ones for Victoria’s Secret that actually showed some panties. Oh, the bitter irony.

Oh and I almost forgot to mention, there’s the whole “I love Geeks/Nerds” thing that kept going on. Some of the girls were wearing clothing that said it and some said it during their interviews. I’ve been hearing this all over the place lately (and seeing it on dating sites as well) but it seems to be yet another one of those meaningless phrases like “I’m laid back”, “Hope and Change”, or “No Child Left Behind”. When it’s time to put their money where their mouth is, women still hate and reject us nerdy/geeky/dorky chaps just as much as ever before and time and again choose the athletic hero/popular college guy types. Stop giving us false hope.

These are the kinds of things that make me feel like I’ve gotten old before my time. It took my grandfather over 80 years to become this bitter toward the world, though when he reached his pinnacle of bitterness, he was truly a king among men. I guess it’s nice to know that at least in one way, I’m significantly ahead of the game.

There’s no need to fix what isn’t broken. The first case I’ll bring up is with Wendy’s. Rather than simply introducing a new burger, they Wendy’s has recently decided to completely change how ALL of their burgers are made, with the new incarnations bearing the “Dave’s Hot and Juicy” label. I hope Dave Thomas doesn’t know about this, because if he knew they were going to fuck up his burgers and use his name to do it, he’d be rolling in his grave so hard it’d cause an earthquake. One of the changes included in this package is that the corners of the meat patties are now rounded. The whole fucking reason they were square in the first place was because research showed them to fit better on the bun that way. In addition to this, Thomas liked the idea of square meat because it literally showed that they weren’t “cutting corners”. A Wendy’s burger with rounded corners is like a strip club where all of the strippers’ tits are pixelated.

They’ve also changed the toppings on the burgers. Gone are the days of crisp, delicious iceberg lettuce and juicy ripe tomatoes. The vegetables atop the new burgers have the texture of a poorly starched shirt sleeve and taste about half as good. I’d have to say the worst change is how they’ve doubled the amount of cheese on each burger. I don’t know why it is that cheese is being pushed so hard. It tastes like shit and it’s not even good for you, so even the health nazis have no real reason to desire it. I always order my burgers without cheese anyway so this doesn’t affect me, but damn it, I have my principles.

Now I know what you’re all saying right now. You’re saying, “Wait a minute dumbass. The new burgers are ‘butter toasted’, so stop your bitching.” While this is true, it seems to be true only in theory, as a full month after the introduction of the new burgers, every Wendy’s location I’ve visited has been giving me burgers that are neither buttered nor toasted.

Burger King has been striking out pretty badly lately as well. One of their newest menu categories is their “topper” burgers. I was a bit excited when I first learned of these, but bitterly disappointed when I tried them. The Western BBQ topper is no different than the rodeo burger, the Deluxe is nothing but a deluge of cheese, and the Mushroom Swiss contains mushrooms that taste like they’ve spent 10 years enveloped in fat people’s rolls, marinating in sweat.

Another new and disappointing offering from Burger King is the Chef’s Choice burger. The only thing setting it apart from any other burger is the fact that it has double cheese (what the fuck is it with this trend?) and comes on a roll so spongy, thick and flavorless that is manages to almost entirely cancel out the flavor of the actual burger itself.

The greatest indicator of the brain death of Burger King is the fact that they’ve just pulled the greatest burger they’ve ever had from their menu. Of course, I’m talking about the California Whopper. With one bite of a California Whopper with its bacony goodness and guacamole kick, I would forget all about being in shitty-ass New England surrounded by assholes and think I was back in southern California, dining at a boardwalk Carl’s Jr or Jack In The Box and seeing hot girls go by in bikinis and seeing the crystal clear waves crash up against the shore. And homeless people. The California Whopper alone is what got me through the 2 week power failure following Hurricane Irene and now the bastards take it away from me.

The last establishment I’ll touch on in this post is McDonald’s. For a limited time, they’ve once again brought back the McRib, which is nothing less than a gift from God himself. However, three of the past four times I’ve tried to get one, it’s gone horribly wrong. One trip resulted in them putting the McRib on a regular hamburger roll, which is pure blasphemy. Another time they dressed it in cheese (again, with the mother fucking cheese), and a third time there were 2 hairs present in my McRib. My most recent visit was to a newer and cleaner looking McDonald’s whereupon I ordered five delicious McRibs to make up for the prior disappointments. I really do love the McRib. If I ever get married, I hope my wife will wear a McRib thong, complete with McRib sauce on our wedding night.

1. No matter how many different razors and guards I try, I still can’t stop my beard from being scraggly and uneven.

2. Last week some waste of life in Ohio tried to get her daughter’s elementary school in trouble for serving tater tots at lunch time.

3. Dancing with the Stars still hasn’t been cancelled.

4. Charlie Sheen worshippers are still constantly saying the word “winning”

5. Google’s straglehold on the Internet is even stronger now than it was the last time I bitched about it.

6. I never managed to get to Hot n Now before they went out of business

7. Clowning jobs have fallen 71% within the past 6 years. Clowns scare the hell out of me, and the only thing more unsettling than a happy clown is a sad one.

8. Almost every McDonald’s is masquerading as a snobby coffee bar with that whole McCafe nonsense.

9. Speaking of McDonald’s, I’ve only gone there three times this year since the Monopoly game started and I already have 5 Pennsylvania Railroad game pieces.

10. You never see old people buying those 10 cent York Peppermint Patties anymore. That used to be a staple image in every restaurant.

11. The bottle/glass/can return at Adam’s won’t accept 16oz cans of Pabst. There goes a good chunk of my income.

12. The original Wendy’s location has recently closed its doors.

13. Kids’ cereal mascots are no longer allowed to play prominent roles in commercials. With Cap’n Crunch no longer there to look out for my safety, I feel completely alone and adrift.

14. I recently saw an article entitled “The Death of the Thong”. Damn boyshorts. Damn them to hell.

15. Nobody has thrown Michael Vick to the lions, and I don’t mean the football team from Detroit.

16. Alan Keyes isn’t running for president.

17. Northern toilet paper is now officially called Quilted Northern. My Northern toilet paper-obsessed college accounting professor must be crying his eyes out.

18. The new dollar bills have a very unpleasant texture.

19. We now have another sitcom featuring Ashton Kutcher.

20. Wikipedia editors have become much more speedy and effective at detecting and removing my acts of vandalism.

21. Dish network found it necessary to replace SNY with the Oprah Channel

22. You came to this page looking for depressing facts, and now you’re just depressed that you wasted your time reading it.

Now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to introduce the topic of this post. As a change of pace, instead of bitching about people. places, and things that suck ass, I’ve decided to think positive and make a humble tribute to the ten greatest currently living people in the USA. These people are Kings and Queens among commoners, legends among also-rans, and in general just too badass for this world. Without further ado, I present to you the list of the Top 10 Living People in the USA.

10. Betty White

Betty White is one of the few regulars from Match Game still living today, therefore making her the strongest link we have left to the comedic genius known as Charles Nelson Reilly, as he sadly did not reproduce. That reason alone is more than enough to qualify her for this list.

9. George Ouzounian (aka Maddox)

If you’re scratching your head and asking “Who the hell is George Ouzounian? Or Maddox?”, you need to immediately stop whatever you are doing (including reading this page) and visit The Best Page In The Universe. Maddox’s hatred for the world and everyone in it was a partial inspiration for Preserve the 80s. If Preserve the 80s can ever be 1/1000th as badass as Maddox’s site, it will be a miracle.

8. Mike Ness

Mike Ness of Social Distortion is pretty much single-handedly responsible for maintaining whatever dignity and appeal that punk rock has left. He’s what keeps the Green Days of the world at bay.

7. Tom Kruse, Inventor of the Hoveround

Not to be confused with the ambiguously oriented actor Tom Cruise, Tom Kruse is the distinguished inventor of the Hoveround, the greatest mobility device ever to exist. He has done more than anyone else to make us free to see the world.

6. Richard Karn

Richard Karn has beyond a doubt done more to promote and spread the awareness of flannel than any other man in the history of the world. He was also the sole tolerable actor on the shit heap known as Home Improvement and was more than adequate during his tenure as the host of Family Feud.

5. Wilford Brimley

While the rest of the world is telling Chuck Norris jokes, Chuck Norris is telling Wilford Brimley jokes. He has taught us all the importance of oatmeal and will one day win his one-man-war against Diabeetus. Screw the Dos Equis guy, Wilford Brimley is the most interesting man in the world.

4. Bill Cosby

Nobody had a stronger presence in the world of 80s tv commercials than Bill Cosby. Whether he was promoting Jello, New Coke, or Kodak Film, he did it all with style, class, and the best sweaters on the planet.

3. James Rolfe (The Angry Video Game Nerd)

Anyone who has ever gone on YouTube knows the Angry Video Game Nerd. Through humor, anger, violence, and profanity, he helps to heal the wounds caused by all the subpar video games we played in our childhoods. He’s the Gold Standard as far as online video game reviewers go and the only one even remotely worthy of this list. Overlord (real name unknown) deserves an honorable mention though, because it takes some balls for a grown man to admit to the world that he owns and plays a Barney video game.

2. Whoever Invented the Baconator

I wish I knew who this giant of culinary genius is, but unfortunately I do not know his or her name. Whoever you are, please know that you will always be one of my greatest personal heroes and have produced the all time greatest creation by a non-deity.

1. Vida Guerra

I will never need Viagra, solely because of the existence of Vida Guerra and her insanely hot ass. As if this were not enough, she recently posed nude in a video for PETA. I may not be too big a fan of PETA, but you’ll be hard pressed to find a bigger animal lover than me. While she may have been aiding an insane organization, her heart (and ass) was in the right place. Possessing a degree of hotness never before, presently, or in the future equaled, Vida Guerra is the #1 greatest person in the United States (shit, in the whole world) alive today.
 

Sometimes I used to sit around and wonder how an asshole as great as David Letterman could possibly exist. Not being able to figure this out caused me great anxiety and frustration, until one day when I came up with the following theory, which shall henceforth be known as the David Letterman Equation:

The David Letterman equation is as follows: one ape + a pair of glasses + a pile of jizz rags = David Letterman. Remember that, because pretty soon it’s going to be appearing in math textbooks worldwide.
David Letterman’s assholery knows no bounds. He loves to spout of his political opinions, which are always misguided and utterly biased. I guess I shouldn’t complain though, who could possibly understand politics and the real world better than a guy who sits around telling unfunny jokes, licking his teeth, and cheating on his girlfriend? Speaking of his girlfriend, that’s another thing that pisses me off. David Letterman is 64 years old and a very unattractive 64 years old at that. Even with his money, he should be thanking his lucky stars that a woman is willing to let him penetrate her. Instead of realizing his good fortune, he goes off and bangs some other woman. I really hope that other woman was a prostitute, because having sex with Letterman and not getting paid for it is one of the worst tragedies a person could ever experience. I also hate the fact that David Letterman had a kid a few years back. This new trend of guys (especially guys who are celebrities) knocking up women and producing chips off the old shit block after the age of 50 is just wrong. When David Letterman’s son has a birthday party, he and his friends must have to play Tape the Depends on Daddy instead of Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

A few years ago I remember Bill O’Reilly appearing on the Late Show. Bill O’Reilly is another douchebag. The idea that conservatives want to use him as their mouthpiece makes about as much sense as somebody appointing Michael Vick as the spokesman for the Humane Society. Then again, Republicans have put up the likes of Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin as their preferred 2012 candidates who are probably the only 2 people in America who COULDN’T beat Obama at this point.
Anyway, Letterman and O’Reilly were engaging in a debate which mostly consisted of O’Reilly babbling about various things and Letterman spouting off nonsensical answers that were nothing but emotion and basically “I know you are, but what am I” type rebuttals, each of which would be followed by an ovation by his drooling Pavlovian fans. By the end of the debate, O’Reilly had pretty much sealed a runaway victory, which was just sad. Getting owned in a debate by Bill O’Reilly is only slightly better than losing a chess match to a Pringle. Actually it’s probably worse, because at least the Pringle won’t be looking into a mirror and masturbating about the victory afterward.
Another reason I hate David Letterman is that he is responsible for spawning Jimmy Kimmel Live. Jimmy Kimmel is quasi entertaining and semi likable when he’s part of a comedy team or ensemble, such as his roles with Win Ben Stein’s Money, The Man Show, and Crank Yankers. However, he doesn’t have the personality or comedic ability to carry a show on his own. This is probably due to the fact that he is widely known to have idolized David Letterman as a kid and obsessively watched every single episode, even going as far to host David Letterman parties with his friends. After all that time watching Letterman, it’s amazing that Jimmy Kimmel isn’t an even more mindless unfunny drone than he already is.
David Letterman is as smarmy a bastard as they come. Every now and then he gets himself in hot water by opening up his dentist-neglected mouth and saying something that pisses everyone off and he’s forced into making an apology. However, every time this happens, his apology ends up being just another insult to whoever he pissed off and another self worshiping session. I really hate every single thing about David Letterman and his show. I hate that bald guy who basically serves as Letterman’s right hand man during each episode. You know who I’m talking about – that bald guy with the sunglasses. I don’t hate him as much as I hate David Letterman, but he’s still obnoxious and unbearable. He’s like that lone hard piece of shit you sometimes see in the middle of a pile of dog diarrhea. I literally got writer’s block and sat here for 20 minutes trying to come up with a good analogy to suit that guy, and that’s the best I was able to come up with, though it is pretty fitting.

Good things come in nondescript packages

As I looked down at the package of cookies in my hand, my expectations were fairly low – I mean this was a pack of cookies from a vending machine that cost 85 cents. There were six in the package, so that works out to just over 14 cents per cookie. Adding to this was the fact that Swiss was up until today an unknown brand to me, I vowed not to get too excited and set myself up for a fall. All I can say is that I was wrong. Dead wrong. More wrong than an ethics committee consisting of Anthony Weiner, Mark Sanford, John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzengger , and Andy Dick. From the first moment I tasted one, I knew I had to dedicate my life to both consuming and spreading awareness of what can be called without hyperbole, the greatest invention of all time.
The price, location, and fairly nondescript packaging of these cookies greatly belied their immense glory. The texture was amazing. It was crunchy but not crumbly and light and crispy but not even remotely health-nazi esque. The cream filling is far superior to anything I’ve ever tasted in an Oreo, and dare I say it, even a Hydrox. The filling and exterior come together in a way that I can’t even begin to explain. The first bite was more intensely pleasurable than 1000 simultaneous orgasms. I finished the first package in about 30 seconds, and with the remaining $10.00 I had in my wallet, I purchased 11 more. In all seriousness, it is taking every ounce of restraint in my body right now to not commandeer the PA system in this building and trumpet out the splendor that is a Swiss Creme Sandwich Cookie to every worker and customer here.

Oreos have nothing on these

Even on an aesthetic level these cookies are incredible. Each half of the sandwich cookie features an intricate and highly artistic pattern of four converging swirl patterns which in the middle form a noble and unmistakable diamond. Forget the Mona Lisa, Starry Night, the Sistine Chapel painting and any of that other “art”. These cookies are art. A masterpiece. A work for the ages.

Screw Leonardo, Michaelangelo and the rest, both the artists and the ninja turtles. This is real art.

Has this article piqued your interest in Swiss Creme Sandwich Cookies? If so, I have some wondrous news for you – these gifts from God are available in 120 – ONE HUNDRED FUCKING TWENTY packs on Amazon. As soon as I pick up my paycheck I’m ordering 2 of those, minimum. I strongly urge you to do the same, or at least search for a vending machine that possesses them and join me in paradise. It will be more thrilling than losing your virginity, the birth of your first child, your wedding, graduation, and nearly every other notable event in your life combined, and that is no lie.

If any of the above wasn’t compelling enough, here is a picture of my dog as I’m showing him the Swiss Creme Sandwich Cookie I’m about to give him. Don’t let the cool and suave exterior fool you, inside he’s spinning somersaults of joy.

C Howard is playing it cool

Hamburglar – After years of petty theft and brief stints in various McDonaldland prisons, Hamburglar started getting tired of such an unfulfilling life of trivial and inconsequential crimes. Whenever the other inmates discovered that he was in prison due to hamburger theft, he ended up beaten and full of “special sauce” faster than you could say robble robble. Such vulnerability was compounded by his unusually small stature and childlike facial features. Knowing that he couldn’t shake a life of crime but wanting more respect in the big house, Hamburglar decided to kick his criminal activity up a few notches. Never being much for forethought, Hamburglar decided to just take the first opportunity that came his way. This came in the form of a tickertape parade for Mayor McCheese after he won an unprecedented 21^st re-election. Hamburlgar took his position atop the McDonaldland Gun Shop (the irony was purely coincidental, not intentional on the part of Hamburglar) and opened fire when McCheese’s motorcade passed on the street below, instantly killing the beloved politician. As Hamburglar turned to flee, he realized that he had accidentally locked the roof access door behind him, leaving him stranded atop the building. Deciding there was nothing left to lose, he jumped down off the building with the gun, in a kamikaze style attack. Unfortunately, his poor coordination ended up foiling him as he instantly fumbled the gun and his suicide attempt was also unsuccessful as the building was only one story tall. He was promptly arrested by Officer Big Mac, tried for the murder of Mayor McCheese, found guilty, and sentenced to death in the electric chair.

Mayor McCheese- See above

Birdie – After being guilted by family members about spending all of her time in McDonaldland and never visiting, Birdie decided to book a flight to see her kinsfolk in southeast Asia. All was going well at first, but after a few days Birdie starting feeling horribly ill. She couldn’t stop coughing, her muscles ached, her throat was on fire, and she was beginning to develop pink eye. After attempts by the village doctor to diagnose her illness proved futile, Birdie flew back to the United States to visit the Mayo Clinic. Unfortunately, she died on the flight over there and was posthumously diagnosed with Avian Influenza.

Officer Big Mac – Once Officer Big Mac had managed to finally take care of the Hamburglar for good, he felt invincible and unstoppable. He figured if he could do away with McDonaldland’s most notorious criminal and avenge the death of his dear friend Mayor McCheese, then no task was beyond his ability. He decided to take a trip out to New York to crack the still-unsolved case of the Long Island serial killer. After talking with Joel Rifkin to get some insight into the mind of a top level prostitute whacker, Officer Big Mac headed into Long Island to bring the killer to justice. Soon after that, he disappeared and two weeks later, his remains were found in the same marsh as the killer’s other victims. Closer inspection by forensic scientists revealed that McDonaldland’s top cop had his head cleaved in two with his own badge. The Lesson – Pride goeth before fall.

Happy Meal Guys – Somebody ate them. I don’t know why this didn’t happen sooner.

Grimace – With his uncontrollable lust for McDonald’s milkshakes, Grimace was a long-time sufferer of obesity and the perfect fodder for famous asshole Morgan Spurlock to use in his health nazi propaganda film, Supersize Me. Not wanting to be the cause of the death of what he loved most, Grimace put his clogged heart and soul into trying to lose weight and get in shape so that Spurlock couldn’t make his film. All was going well until one day when Grimace made a trip to the McDonaldland mall to buy some multivitamins from GNC. As he ascended on the escalator, he unfortunately became lost in thought and didn’t realize when he had reached the top, which led to his toe getting caught in the belt of the escalator and his body being horribly mutilated. Grimace survived long enough to make it to the hospital, where, on his deathbed, Ronald McDonald tearfully lied to him, saying that Morgan Spurlock had been sued for libel and couldn’t produce his documentary. Though deceived, Grimace died a happy whatever-the-fuck-he-was.

The Fry Guys – Shit if I know

McNugget Buddies – After years of their non-stop gratuitous use of puns, everyone in McDonaldland was getting pretty sick of the McNugget buddies. The locals hatched a plan whereby they would cook up a false award ceremony in which the McNugget buddies would be honored for their bravery and tenacity in proving that anyone, even cut up and deep fried pieces of chicken carcasses could survive and make a difference in the world. The ceremony was to be held in the outskirts of McDonaldland, right next to the very bear-centric nature reserve. Knowing the propensity of the McNugget buddies to jump into whatever dipping sauces were available before shrieking out corny puns, the townspeople brought along several honey packets. As the ceremony began, the McNugget buddies predictably enough jumped into the honey packets, uttering such irritating phrases as “What a SWEET deal!”, “I don’t need a hairbrush, I need a HONEYCOMB!”, and “Gee, I hope this bee honey doesn’t give me HIVES!”. The conspirators then faked laughs and anxiously waited for the bears to show up. After a few seconds, a bear smelled the honey and arrived on the scene, gobbling up the McNugget buddies. Among screams of pain and fear, one of the McNugget buddies was heard saying, “I guess I’ll just have to grin and BEAR it!” as he disappeared into the mouth of the bear. The bear then vomited up the mangled corpse of the McNugget buddy and lumbered away.

Captain Crook – Considering himself too good of an actor to continually appear in McDonald’s commercials and trying to steal Filet-O-Fish sandwiches, Captain Crook decided to go to Hollywood and audition for the latest Pirates of the Carribean movie. However, he was cut before he could even read his first line. Overwhelmed with misery, he swiped a reel of film from the studio and took it back to his hotel room where he used it to hang himself.

Mac Tonight – The only member of the McDonaldland gang other than Ronald to survive, Mac Tonight now tours with Richard Cheese as his opening act.

After all of these deaths, McDonaldland’s economy had taken quite a hit as McDonald’s commercials were its backbone. Both economically and emotionally depressed, the citizens of McDonaldland were looking for help and were willing to believe in anything. It was around this time that Jim Jones’s lesser-known brother Tim Jones showed up and started a cult of his own in McDonaldland. The basic goal of this cult was to ensure that people stopped incorrectly referring to the Flavor Aid used by his brother as Kool Aid. After mixing up some Flavor Aid laced with poison, Jones passed it around to the townspeople and they all drank it and promptly died. Jones’s last words were, “From this day forward, people will use the expression ‘drinking the Flavor Aid’!” He was wrong.

So now that you know the true story behind the disappearance of the McDonaldland characters, you must be asking yourself “What’s going to happen to Ronald now that he’s lost all of his friends?” Well, the answer is that Ronald became very depressed and started hanging out at Hot Topic. He’s now emo and is too skinny, weak, and depressed to appear in McDonald’s commercials to promote healthy lifestyles, because that’s a little hard to do when you can’t go five minutes without cutting yourself.

Preservethe80s.com – “Spammers just arent trying anymore.. Keen”

“Update preserve los 80s.. Huh, really?”

“Why doesnt anyone in connecticut realize that dunkin donuts sucks.. Bully”

“Update 2.. Slap-up”

“Mcdonalds deluxe bacon angus burger gets it all wrong.. Great idea”

“Greetings.. Tiptop”

“Last nights gumbo didnt go so well.. Amazing” – Even by my standards, the gumbo story is a boring one.

“Greetings.. Dandy”

“Is humanity a terminal illness.. Slap-up” – I’ve never heard anyone but this spambot use the expression “slap up” and I have no idea what it’s supposed to mean, but I kind of like it. I’m going to use that from now on.

XBox 360 Support – “Good one you, man! Really great stuff here.”

Auto-Ru - “Thanks, it’s usefully for me.”

Auto-Ru deserves extra recognition because in addition to making one of the weakest spam comment attempts I’ve encountered, it also has the most obvious spambot name. AUTO-Ru? Really? Please, whoever came up with that name, pull your head out of your ass.

Women Sober House – “Throughout this awesome design of things you secure an A+ for effort. Where exactly you actually confused me was in your facts. You know, it is said, details make or break the argument.. And it couldn’t be much more true here. Having said that, permit me tell you just what did deliver the results. The authoring is certainly rather engaging and that is probably the reason why I am making an effort to opine. I do not make it a regular habit of doing that. Second, whilst I can certainly see a leaps in reason you make, I am not certain of how you seem to connect the details which in turn make the actual final result. For now I will, no doubt subscribe to your point but hope in the future you actually link your dots better.” – Keep in mind, this comment was about the 11 Ways to be an Asshole using Cheetos post.

RepeFlepe - “Surgery because colon cancer or prostate can also exhort penis devastation with an understanding of worldwide time. ”

Using QR Codes -”In this grand design of things you’ll get a B- with regard to effort and hard work. Exactly where you confused everybody was in your facts. As as the maxim goes, the devil is in the details… And that couldn’t be much more accurate in this article. Having said that, let me say to you precisely what did give good results. The authoring is certainly very powerful and that is probably the reason why I am taking an effort to opine. I do not make it a regular habit of doing that. 2nd, although I can easily notice the leaps in logic you come up with, I am not confident of just how you seem to connect your details which make your final result. For right now I shall subscribe to your point but trust in the future you actually connect the dots better.” – This one was also about the Cheetos. Apparently spambots think I’m not connecting the dots when it comes to being a bastard with cheese flavored corn-based snacks.

Swanyseen – “I learned early on, having known the most handsome, successful, Gary Cooper, Clark Gable, Robert Taylor, don’t ever spend too much time looking in the mirror.”

Making Flyers – “The crux of your writing whilst appearing reasonable at first, did not settle perfectly with me after some time. Someplace within the sentences you managed to make me a believer unfortunately just for a very short while. I still have got a problem with your jumps in logic and one might do well to fill in those gaps. In the event you actually can accomplish that, I will certainly end up being impressed.” – Cheetos again

That’s all for now, though this post will be updated as more shitty spam comments make their way to my site. Either that or I’ll create a new separate page for the Spambot Hall of Fame, but chances are I’ll be too lazy to take the 30 seconds to do that.

While I’ve hated Google since the days before it was a household name, my hatred of it has only increased in recent years. First off, there’s absolutely nothing about it that makes it preferable to Yahoo, Bing, or any of the other also-rans that used to populate the Internet. That was back in the days when there was still a little thing called competition. You know, that silly little insignificant concept on which our economy once thrived. Google encourages laziness, mindless devotion, a lack of privacy, and dangerous ignorance.

Before I touch on any of those subjects, I’d like to revive a rant that I’ve made on this site before. It pisses me off to no end when people use Google as a verb. Seriously, why the fuck do people have to do that? I can’t think of any other company or service with which that is done. When’s the last time you heard someone say “I’m going to Wal-Mart it” when they planned to buy a pair of jeans, “Hey let’s Penthouse it” when they wanted porn, or “Wait a minute, let me Everest & Jennings it” when they needed to go somewhere in their wheelchair? You’ve never heard it because anyone who said those things would sound like a dumbass. It’s no different with Google. My guess is that making Google into a verb was probably an inside plan by Google to try to keep their shitty product on people’s minds 24/7.

One thing I hate about Google is their immense greed, which in turn begets laziness on behalf of the public. They want to get their filthy paws on every last Internet and communication resource and will stop at nothing to get it. Not only this, but they try to pry into your personal information as well. I loved Youtube when it first came out, but ever since Google got control of it, it’s been on a steady downhill decline. Most notably, Google recently made it so that you can’t log in to your Youtube profile or comment on a video without first registering for a Gmail account and then signing in with that. The real ass raping begins when you try to set up your Gmail account. They ask you for the standard buffet of personal info you’d expect to provide when setting up an e-mail account, but then they take it one step further by demanding your mobile phone information. Part of what is so great about interacting online is the complete anonymity. Google is doing its part to slowly take that away. They want to know who you are, where you’re from, and how they can get at you before you can even do something as simple as log into a Youtube profile. A direct quote from Google Chief Executive Eric Schmidt relates the following: “We cannot even answer the most basic questions because we don’t know enough about you. That is the most important aspect of Google’s expansion.” However, it has been proven that Google stores this information and continues to very closely supervise users for a period of at least 2 years after obtaining their information. Shame on you, you greedy peeping toms.
As I said before, Google’s greed begets laziness and empty-headed devotion. People don’t bother checking other resources anymore, they just go to Google to retrieve the biased and watered-down information it has to supply. Also with its peripheral services (most of which suck harder than a starlet trying to avoid criminal charges) they’ve trained most of the public to just depend on their third rate products and to think that spending 2 seconds typing in a URL to a different site is far too much work for their chubby little fingers.

Aside from the poor quality of its services, intrusive manner, and doing its part to continue dumbing down America, Google also promotes a dangerous degree of ignorance. They are unabashedly biased and have no sense of equality or objectivity. Google has been caught in the act in refusing to publish right-leaning blogs and material, was caught red-handed trying to divert travelers away from the Rally to Restore Honor, and has committed many other similar offenses. Google only wants to tell one side of the story and wants to keep America in the dark when it comes to any opposing viewpoints. I did a little bit of personal research as well to see what I could find. One brief experiment that I conducted yielded the following results. I typed “Obama is the best president” and “Obama is the worst president” into Google, Yahoo, and Bing. Here is what I got back:

Google: Best – 362,000
Worst – 107,000

Bing: Best – 251,000
Worst – 260,000

Yahoo: Best – 250,000
Worst – 304,000

Surprised? Well maybe if you knew this tid-bit of information you wouldn’t be – since Obama has taken office, NASA’s Moffett Airfield has basically been turned into a private airport for Google and its executives and you and I as taxpayers are footing the bill. This airport isn’t just used for business matters though, it has also been used as a point of origin for top Google executives to fly to the Carribean for at least 3 vacations, and also for Schmidt to attend the Cannes Film Festival. Shit, I guess the Obama administration earned Google serving up their bias to the country, no? Google is basically the Internet version of what so many people feel Fox News is to television, only worse because bias is only one of its many sins.
Now don’t worry non-conservatives, I haven’t forgotten about you either. You have just as much reason to hate Google as the conservative set does. Despite its anti-right wing censoring, Google does tip to the right on one big issue. Google is quite heavily enamored with the patriot act, a work of bullshit art imposed by George WMD Nukular Bush. Here’s a gem of a quote by Schmidt, promoting the patriot act as well as Google’s right to our privacy – “If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. If you really need that kind of privacy, the reality is that search engines—including Google—do retain this information for some time and it’s important, for example, that we are all subject in the United States to the Patriot Act and it is possible that all that information could be made available to the authorities.” The reality, Mr Schmidt, is that search engines other than Google don’t go anywhere near as far in violating our privacy and demanding our data to use their services.

Forgetting Obama, conservatism, and liberalism for a moment, it also troubles me that Google felt it necessary to pay homage to Russia by having a home page logos to commemorate the Sputnik, yet they felt no need to make such a tribute to America on Flag Day, unlike competitor Bing. Failing to recognize the country that made its success possible seems pretty ungrateful to me.

Don’t fuel the Google fire. Don’t give them the information they want. There are alternatives out there, and if you really want Google’s search results without dealing with Google, you can go to Scroogle.com and get just that. When it comes to Youtube, just watch the videos that are available to all users and don’t give them a pleasure of creating a Gmail account and logging in with it when you want to view an 18+ video or make a comment. We can live without those things. Besides, if you want porn, Youtube is the wrong place to be. Together we can all give Google the big “Fuck You” it deserves.

For those interested, I’m running a preservethe80s contest to see how long it takes for my site to get de-listed from Google over this article. Send your guesses to preservethe80s@yahoo.com
The winner will receive a signed photograph of me having lunch at Del Taco.

By the way, I hate Google.

1. Broaden your horizons by broadening your ass. Break out the Fritos and Haagen-Dazs and get to work.

2. Become more bitter and angry toward humanity and all that it represents.

3. Tell yourself you love/are attracted to whoever you happen to be banging even though you know it’s not true so that you can look yourself in the mirror with a little less shame. If you’re not banging anybody, just spend more time whacking off. If you’re impotent, just repeat goal #2 as needed.

4. Donate a nominal amount to some random charity you don’t care about then tell everyone you know that you did it. This one has the double bonus of letting you enjoy a bit of self-righteousness while at the same time inspiring more guilt and self hatred in your friends, family, and co-workers.

5. Devote your attention and spare time to watching/listening to unabashedly biased political programming then accuse everyone on the other side of the political spectrum of being brainwashed. If you’re a liberal, tell everyone how George Bush is ruining the world and reply to any opposing argument by screaming “Fox News”. If you’re a conservative, tell everyone how Barack Obama is ruining the world and reply to any opposing argument by screaming “CNN”.

6. Procrastinate on every responsibility you have.

7. Do something that you always criticize other people for doing.

8. Come up with at least one bullshit excuse for not doing something/not going somewhere every day.

9. Watch a movie and look for something to happen in the movie that isn’t realistic. Then spend the rest of the time bitching about it and ruin the movie watching experience for everyone else in the room.

10. Leave hair clogs in a tub you share with somebody else. If you live alone, go to a gym and do it.

11. Speaking of gyms, get a membership to one but never go. If you have to go, just work out for 5 minutes then brag about it for 5 hours.

12. Act like it’s a miracle when your bratty kid does something that pisses everyone else off.

13. Let any parent who fawns over their stupid baby know you think it’s the ugliest thing this side of Gary Busey.

14. If you’re a guy, no matter how many women you’ve had sex with within the past year, lie and say it was five times more. If you’re a woman, lie and say you’ve been with five times fewer men. Both sexes can milk the double standard on this one.

Chances are, you’ve already done every single one of these things already and it’s only January 5. If not, take heart as there are still 360 days remaining in this year. (In the eyes of banks, that’s still a whole year.) For once, you can feel the satisfaction that comes with actually holding true to your New Year’s resolutions. I’d keep writing, but I have to go now and get a little fatter and then lie about who I’ve been engaging in intercourse with. Good luck to you all.

SACRILEGE!

What the hell were they thinking? What in the name of Dave Thomas were these assholes thinking??? You don’t mess with a classic. You don’t fix what isn’t broken. You don’t desecrate that which is sacred… yet the powers that be at Wendy’s have done just that. After 41 beautiful, magical years, Wendy’s fries are gone. Dead. Departed.
Whether it be pressure from the health nazis or from the current blasphemous trend of trying to turn fast food restaurants into mock upscale eateries, Wendy’s R&D cracked (or maybe they’re just on crack) and pitched out our Earthly ambrosia for a product that I hesitate to even bestow with the honor of being called a variety of french fries. Arthur Shawcross must be spinning in his grave.
Wendy’s is a working man’s haven. It’s a retreat of the down to earth everyman/everywoman who values substance over style and delicious fare over conceited airs. We aren’t a crowd of people who want potato skin heavy fries with “sea salt”. The health nazis and food snobs of the world are not an open minded bunch. They aren’t just content to fritter away their food lives on inane bullshit and leave the rest of us to eat in peace and happiness. They won’t be happy until we’re all a bunch of miserable, emaciated assholes eating food with no flavor designed for an audience that isn’t watching.
Loyal readers of preserve the 80s I urge you, we must unite to fight this unjust french fry revolution. I want all of you to come together as one voice to let Wendy’s know we want our fries back. One and all must gather round their local Wendy’s in a silent and dignified vigil to demand justice. Send in pictures of your brave and valiant actions and they will see the light of day on preserve the 80s and on youtube as well. Together we will make our voices heard and reclaim what is ours.

Dumbass #1: “Well, maybe they don’t understand what’s happening in the games”

Dumbass #2: “Maybe it’s a language problem”

Dumbass #3: “Maybe they think the NFL doesn’t care about them”

Board Chairman: “Right, but what can we do about it?”

Dumbass #4: (snaps fingers) “I’ve got it! Once every year, let’s have
‘Futbol Americano’ painted on the field and get the TV networks to show the team names in Spanish during their bumpers!”

Chairman: “Genius! That way not only will they know what sport they’re watching, but they’ll also know what teams are playing! Holy shit, we’re going to make Latinos love football even more than tacos!”

Dumbass #4: “Hey that’s kind of racist.”

Chairman:”Ok, we’ll make them love football even more than los tacos.”

Dumbass #4: “Much better! Now that’s tolerance!”

This whole thing makes me want to blast myself into space so I can escape the idiocy that is fast taking over the human race. Of course this isn’t just limited to football. Basketball and baseball are doing the same thing. Who doesn’t remember the Phoneix Suns calling themselves “Los Suns” for the last few games of the 09-10 NBA season in an effort to show the Mexican community they didn’t believe in Arizona’s proposed crackdown on illegal immigration? Regardless of how anyone might feel about the laws themselves, I can say with fairly strong degree of certainty that nobody cares about the ineffectual opinions that the management of a basketball franchise has on the matter. Especially when said basketball team is the one that has been in the league for the longest amount of time without winning a championship (42 years).
I guess the executives in the NFL, NBA, and MLB feel that just adding the Spanish word for “the” before a team name a few times a year and tossing in the Spanish name for a city every now and then will be all it takes to attract a demographic that doesn’t seem to be interested in what they’re putting out. Imagine you’ve just moved to Mexico, where soccer is a hugely popular sport and is widely covered by the media. If you’re like most Americans, you don’t have a huge interest in professional soccer. Now suppose that the team nearest to where you live is called “Los Toros” (The Bulls). Do you think that if for one night a year they called themselves “The Toros” and had the word “Soccer” painted on the field it would suddenly make you a huge fan of the sport? If you do, please punch yourself in the genitals.
Now I’m a reasonable man. I know I’m not always right about everything. Maybe this there is something to this movement after all. For the rest of tonight and all of tomorrow, I’m going to try to show my support for Hispanics by calling my site PreserveLos80s. If it doesn’t result in at least 500 hits and comments from Latinos, I will be horribly shocked and bitterly disappointed.

Peanut Butter – This one takes place on the fateful day of May 30, 2006. It was actually about 3 hours earlier on the same day as an unpleasant flight I mentioned in a previous post. I was on a layover at the Minneapolis/St Paul Airport and it was around lunchtime. I was looking around for a place to eat but the food court in the terminal I was in was quite crowded. It had a section in which most of the tables were two seaters with one high seat on each side. I was unable to find a table that was completely empty, so I settled on one where I was across from a corpulent fellow who was suffering from rather severe acne. He was dining on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, chewing with his mouth wide open and smacking quite loudly. I cannot verbally express how severe the smacking was. Even in the rich history of Three Stooges films there has never been sounds of smacking this highly audible. At one point during my meal (which was a fish sandwich, not that anyone cares) I happened to look up. This motion is one that I would soon come to regret for the rest of my life. My eyes instantly met with the image of the tubby bloke’s mouth wide open with thick strings of peanut butter colored phlegm going up and down between his teeth. I nearly vomited on the spot, though I managed to get to the bathroom where I had dry heaves for a bit, but no actual vomiting occurred. Vomit or no, peanut butter was forever ruined.

Bologna Sandwiches – I never much liked these to begin with, but after a convalescent home experience in  the summer of 1993, they have become completely inedible for me. It was a hot, balmy day and the convalescent home didn’t have the best air conditioning going. Everyone was hot, sweaty and miserable. Either through pure luck or clever planning by the staff, the meal being served that late afternoon/early evening was bologna sandwiches, so at least the ovens wouldn’t be running and making the place even hotter. My gratitude for this did not last long though. The sandwiches were consumed without any significant events occurring around them. The trouble began shortly after when my grandmother’s room mate decided to go to bed early. Before going to bed, she took her dentures and put them in a glass to soak. Shortly before leaving for the night, I went into the bathroom and happened to see the aforementioned jar. My grandmother’s room mate had not taken great pains to clean her dentures before soaking them. In the glass with the dentures were several bloated and stringy fragments of wet bologna, bread, and what I think might have been cheese. Some was wedged into the dentures themselves and some was floating around near the top. To this day I cannot even hear the word bologna without getting ill.

Milk- Milk is disgusting and revolting in and of itself. You shouldn’t need any jarring experience to make you not want to drink it. Don’t drink/buy/sell/rent/steal/ pour/ touch it. Ever.

Oregano – This is another convalescent home one, but oddly enough it was not a real live event, but rather a dream I had around 1991 or so. In the dream, I was in the former Deep River Convalescent Home. That’s right – the 77+1 Deep River Convalescent Home. In the dream, I walked down the dingy main hall of the convalescent home and saw a really unappetizing looking pizza sitting on a pedestal in an alcove. The pizza smelled very strongly of oregano and as I got closer to it, I could see that it had a layer of oregano over it about 3 inches thick. As I looked around the building, I saw bits of oregano everywhere on the ground and I started walking away. I suddenly looked to my right and saw an old guy on a chair in the hallway with Aqua Fresh Toothpaste leaking from his eyes. I didn’t see the actual toothpaste tube, but I’m guessing it had to be Aqua Fresh as no other toothpaste during that time period had the green/white/red color scheme.

Any of the egg sandwiches at Dunkin Donuts – Since my place of work doesn’t really have a bathroom, I typically use the one at the Dunkin Donuts which is about a mile down the road from it. On one such visit, I went into the bathroom, only to find an elaborate fecal mess all over the floor with a stench which even 1000 dead, rotting monkeys using 1000 typewriters made of crotch lint  could not begin to describe, though it had a strong egg component to it. The same is true for the visual make up of it. I darted out of the bathroom as fast as I could, but could not get the smell off myself for the rest of the day, despite taking 3 showers.

That’s all I can type on this subject for now, as I do eventually want to be able to eat again. Happy vomiting.

“… and so the black man said to God… Lord why is my skin this dark?” “… and the Lord replied My Son, it is so that the intense sun in Africa will not burn you” “… and then he said Lord, why is my head covered with large mass of kinky hair?” “… and the Lord replied My Son that is so that the mosquitoes and other insects in Africa cannot bite your head” “… so this Black dude says … Then God, why am I in Detroit?”

“I went into a new barbershop in my neighborhood and told the brother, “Give me that Afro look”. Well, I fell asleep in the chair. And when I woke up, I had a bone in my booty.”

“I’ve heard people call mayonnaise all kinds of different things. The white folks like to call it “mayo” and black folks call it “slopple slather”. Let’s just agree to disagree and call it NAISE!”

“One morning I went into a diner for breakfast and ordered some pancakes. The waitress asked me if I wanted Jiffy Mix pancakes or Bisquick pancakes. I said ‘I’m black fool! I want the Jiffy Mix!’”

“Once on an island there was a strawberry, and apple, and an orange. They saw a genie and the genie said that each one could have a wish granted. The apple wished to get off the island, the orange wished for a new car, and the strawberry wished for some damn booty!”

“Hey you with the pompadour! Down in front!”

“You know back in the 40s, a brother couldn’t always get into a classy strip joint. Sometimes, we just had to peel our bananas and throw pennies at them!”

“You know what? There’s an owl outside my house that hoots all night. An owl! I ain’t been gettin’ any sleep for days. Tomorrow night I’m going to moon it. I bet it won’t hoot no more!”

“Wake up, go to sleep, wake up, go to sleep, wake up, go to sleep, that’s the daily grind!”

“What I like about blue jeans… is the fact that they’re simple. You put them on, you take them off, put ‘em back on. There’s not room for much confusion!”

“Three things I can’t live without – jail, bail, and ginger ale!”

People who say “We’re pregnant” – Just typing “We’re pregnant” nearly gave me a stroke. Here’s a quick biology lesson. Females can get pregnant. Males cannot. Only one person at a time is capable of carrying any given fetus. Multiple people can not be pregnant with the same bundle of future semantic abusing asshole at the same time. For fuck’s sake I hate people who utter this phrase. Anyone caught saying it should be clubbed until unconscious and then sterilized in the most efficient manner possible. On second thought, just club them but don’t knock them out. Being unconscious for their sterilization would be too good for them. They should also find some way to slip the fetus a cyanide tablet because if it has any sense, it won’t want to go through life having sprung from such a genetic cesspool.

People who honk their horns at you when you’re fully immobilized in traffic – Ever get held up by construction or in any other kind of traffic jam and get completely locked in? It happens to the best of us. It also happens to the worst of us. I witnessed the latter just yesterday morning while stuck in traffic in New London. There were vehicles surrounding me in every direction and traffic was at a standstill. Despite the fact that there was absolutely nowhere I could go, some raging bitch in the lane next to me was blaring her horn at me, screaming what I assume were obsenities, and wildly gesticulating in a manner befitting a simean tourette’s syndrome sufferer. When I looked away, she began revving her engine ineffectually. She kind of reminded me of a female version of Colonel Sanders, only she didn’t have a white Kentucky Colonel suit, van dyke, fried chicken franchise, or any of the Colonel’s general badassery. Come to think of it, I guess she wasn’t that much like Colonel Sanders, but some loose association brought him to mind. Getting back to the point, you’re pretty much a pile of shit if you somehow expect someone to be able to, and throw a tantrum when they do not, defy the laws of physics and just race through a solid wall of automobiles which surrounds you in all directions.

Enviro-Nazis – They’re not as bad as health nazis, but they’re still a gargantuan pain in the ass. Caring for the environment is all well and good, but there’s a difference between being responsible and having a mile long rod of self-righteousness permanently jammed up your ass. If I want to buy paper plates or a set of plastic utensils, I’m going to do it. A few years back I was reamed out by some enviro-nazi for doing just that. He was a filthy looking creature, with greasy matted hair, crooked teeth, and a ratdog t-shirt. He peered at me through glassed over eyes and his roundish John Lennon style glasses for a moment and then proceeded to tell me I was living for myself and killing the world. His tirade came to an ubrupt end however when I asked him from what eco-friendly material the plastic beads he had around his neck were made of.

Whoever it was that designed those hotelplanner.com commercials – Whoever you are, there’s a special place reserved for you in hell.

The author and purchasers of the Eat this, Not That Series – This one says it all. Not only is there some asshole out there continually shitting all over all things delicious and basically ordering us how to dine, but he actually has a following of devoted fans. It boggles the mind. Instead of being locked up somewhere, this motherfucker of a bastard of a cocksucking douchebag is being rewarded for his exploits. He is the number one reason why I will soon have to buy either tranquilizer darts or a defibrillator.

This post is getting me too agitated. Time to go upstairs for some bacon wrapped waffles to put out this fire.

1. Women who refer to themselves as “laid back”
I don’t really know why, but that term in and of itself kind of pisses me off. However, it is much more annoying when I encounter it in a dating site profile. This is mainly because in my experience, the women who refer to themselves as being laid back usually end up being some of the most intense and unstable people I’ve ever met. One such woman I met on a dating site (I think it was okcupid) described herself as laid back, then proceeded to tell me about how she once purposely scalded a customer with hot coffee while working as a waitress because said customer complained of slow service. This was about ten minutes into our very first conversation. My point is this- don’t false advertise. If you aren’t a peaceable person, just don’t mention that and play to your other strengths. If you are, then please refer to yourself as “serene” rather than laid back. That would be infinitely less annoying, and also carries an additional benefit in that the word serene has always reminded me of mint mouthwash and connotes good oral hygiene.

2. Using “If you like piña coladas” as a headline

This one is just as hackneyed and annoying as the laid back thing. If hell has a soundtrack, the pina colada song must be on it. Eight times. If you have to make a Jimmy Buffet reference*, at least go with Cheeseburger in Paradise. At least that one involves burgers which is always a plus. Just thinking about that headline makes me want to bash myself over the head with a hammer until I’m in a coma. Even “Want crabs? You’ve come to the right place!” would be a more appealing headline. Dating sites aside, pina coladas are a shitty drink. Speaking of drinks, that brings me to my next point.

3. Women who show themselves with some kind of alcoholic drink in every single one of their profile pictures.

A lot of people like to have a drink now and then and there’s nothing wrong with that. You might think that showing six pictures of yourself with a drink in your hand, depraved grin on your face and a guy leaning into the frame who looks like such a douche that he must be an heir to the Massengill family fortune makes you look like a fun loving and free spirited kind of girl. It doesn’t. The whole getting drunk every Thurs-Sun night thing gets old quick and doesn’t help to make you an attractive dating prospect. Additionally, it gives off the impression that since you’re always drunk, your memory probably isn’t the greatest so you might forget to take the ol’ pill and lock us both into the hell that is parenthood.

4. Overtly sexual/revealing pictures on the part of people who shouldn’t be so willing to expose themselves

Even if you have the body for it, have a little self respect and leave something to the imagination. Putting up borderline nude pictures on a site that almost anyone can see might give you a bit of a thrill, but it also makes you look, to put it delicately, like somewhat of a harlot. It leads a chap to think that you’ll be exchanging bodily fluids with another guy before we can even make it to the table at the restaurant on the first date. There’s a time and a place for porn and a dating site isn’t it. It’s just about the only place I DON’T wish for nudity. (well dating sites and convalescent homes). This goes double if you’re severely out of shape. Dressing sexually won’t make you more attractive if you’re in poor physical shape. Taking better care of your body will, as will having a certain degree of self respect and sophistication. There’s a reason I stopped appearing shirtless in public after developing a beer gut worthy of a 50 year old trucker.

5. Citing “meeting up for coffee” as an ideal first date

This one is quickly replacing dinner and a movie as the cliche of choice for a first date. If there’s any place I can think of that’s an inopportune location for getting to know somebody, it’s a coffee bar. Their space is drafty and ill-defined, they’re always crowded, they’re chock full of pseudo intellectuals, and they’re expensive as hell. It’s the kind of place that’s fine if you’re just going in and out to get a coffee, but you don’t want to spend any amount of time there. You’ll have no privacy and will be contending with the meaningless babble of all the other patrons in addition to the sound of weather channel style music and the constant clicking of laptop keys whenever you try to speak to your date.

Those are just a few of the disconcerting trends I’ve been seeing on dating sites. There will likely be a sequel to this article as the number of my online dating attempt failures continues to grow along with my bitterness. Now that any of you single women who might be reading this know how not to entice me with your profiles you can change them accordingly. Just think, you could be dating a fast food obsessed-26 year old-80s commercial fan who still lives with his parents and has a fear of milk. On second thought, avoiding that situation is probably why women are making their profiles like this to begin with. Fuck.

*I’ve since been informed that the Pina Colada Song isn’t by Jimmy Buffet. That doesn’t make it suck any less, so stop using it in your dating profiles.

Things didn’t always used to be this way. Things didn’t used to be that way at all. If you visit this site with any degree of regularity, you’ll realize that this is a recurrent theme of preservethe80s. In my family, bitching and moaning is a passion. It’s one that we’ve truly made into an art form. Throughout the generations, everyone as had their favorite topic to wax irate over, and the decline in commercials is mine.

One commercial I really hate that is epitome of the modern commercial watching experience is for the Honda Insight. What a fucking stupid name for a car. I can picture the focus group they must have used to come up with that gem of a name. I’d be shocked if even one member wasn’t wearing skinny jeans, a tight sweater, and dyed black hair hanging over one eye. It’s the one where some asshole with a generic college style singing voice sings some song that starts with “When I grow up, maybe I’ll be a singer in a band…”. Throughout the commercial, various young people with greasy hair are shown doing different activities and wearing facial expressions that state to the world “I am asshole, hear me roar”. I hate them. Once when I was 9 years old, I was walking down a hallway in a convalescent home and I happened to glance into a room in which I saw a fat naked old guy bending over to pick something up. As disturbing and damaging as this sight was, it wasn’t 1/1000th as offensive to the senses as the aforementioned commercial. Here’s a link to the shitpile. Proceed at your own blood pressure related risk

Fuck you Honda

Another commercial I hate is this one for some new line of tampons from Kotex. The commercials seek to parody the typical tampon commercial and then try to turn it around in the last few seconds by turning the screen to black, showing some tampon cases with brightly colored lids, and spouting off an attempt at biting satyristic sarcasm which fall flat. With the exception of the last few seconds, these tampon commercials are the very thing they claim to be avoiding. Either they think everyone is too stupid to realize that, or they think they’ll appeal to the angsty Alanis Morrisette/Fiona Apple deep within the souls of the targeted 18-30 year old women and put out a stinging statement that grabs said women by the balls and forces them to buy their product. Not only does Kotex fail to get that visceral emotional reaction they’re going for, they also seem to need some serious education in regard to female anatomy.

Tampon World Turned Upside Down?

I also really hate all the commercials that appear on Adult Swim. The only show I watch on Adult Swim is King of the Hill, and at least once during every commercial break they show a spot for an upcoming Family Guy episode. The episode trailers in and of themselves aren’t what I find annoying. What annoys me is how at the beginning and end of each one, they show a graphic of a bunch of sperm attempting to fertilize an egg cell. If I wanted to see something like that, I’d whack off on to a microscope slide and stare at it, which is not really my idea of a good time. I guess there wouldn’t be an egg to be fertilized, but you get the point.

I couldn’t find a clip of this, but instead I have a link to one of Peter’s unfunny and far too long fights with the giant chicken. Make your life suck more and watch it. This one is even worse than most as it was made by one of those “Holy shit, I should record what’s on tv on my iPhone and post it to YouTube” ass hats.

Unfunny Chicken Fight

There’s a common link between the commercials I’ve just mentioned. They all are designed by assholes, have no heart or soul, are horrendously annoying, and make me envy the dead. Now let’s go back in time to the 80s. Not literally of course. If such a thing was possible, I’d have done it long ago and I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this poor excuse for a website and you wouldn’t be pissing away your time by reading it. We’d all be back in the 80s, reveling in a world without iPhones, health nazis, or kids named Dakota. We’d be back in a time where every day was cause for celebration. Since I can’t build a time machine, I’ll do the next best thing. I’ll take you on a trip down memory lane by showcasing some of the finest commercials of a generation.

First up is a commercial for Thomas’s English Muffins. This is a commercial that debuted in 1983. It does not attempt deceit, doesn’t portray self-indulgent lifestyles of arrogance, and doesn’t try to talk down to the viewer as today’s commercials do. It is simply a celebration of the world’s greatest English muffins -  nothing more, nothing less. It is a commercial that lifts up the spirit and makes you feel a little more equipped to take on the slings and arrows of life after you’ve seen it.

Breakfast is dead to me now

Another commercial from the 80s worth mentioning is an ad for New Coke featuring Bill Cosby. There were actually several of these commercials that were made and aired in 1985. They didn’t need fancy bells and whistles or trendy assholes intended to represent aspiration groups to make people want to buy the featured product. All they needed was  green (gray) screen, Bill Cosby, a snappy Bill Cosby sweater, and a can of New Coke. Bill Cosby pours out his heart in an honest and genuine expression of his love for New Coke. I know a lot of people out there didn’t like New Coke all that much but I must respetfully disagree with all of you naysayers. New Coke was by far better than Coca Cola Classic and never should have been pulled from the market. Just because you don’t share the same cola insight as the great Bill Cosby, it is no reason to accuse him of being an insincere corporate shill. In the 80s, Bill Cosby ate Jell-o and bled New Coke and so did I.

You tell em Bill

The last commercial I’ll expound upon in this post is an advertisement for the late McDLT from McDonald’s. Fuck the Big N Tasty and the new “deluxe” angus burgers at McDonald’s. In my eyes, the McDLT will forever be THE lettuce and tomato hamburger. This commercial fills me with a desire that no other non-pornographic production ever has or ever will. There are no words to adequately describe the deliciousness that was the McDLT and there is no way that I could ever do this commercial proper justice through a mere online homage. This commercial does an excellent job of employing both sight and sound to express what cannot be said in words. For 30 seconds, it’s just you and a burger. It may not be heaven, but it is too good to be Earth. I’m not a Buddhist and don’t put too much stock in the concept of Nirvana, but if there is such a thing, I can only imagine it’s basically this commercial.

RIP McDLT

Now that you’ve had a chance to see how great commercials were in the 80s as compared to how atrocious they are now, I hope you will have a greater appreciation for why nearly all things post-1989 should be scorned and rejected.

One of the areas where this is most notable is with Italian bread. You just can’t get a good loaf of it anymore. Gone are the days of the dry, crusty Italian breads upon which many of my fondest childhood deli memories are based. This is the way that all Italian bread used to be. Don’t believe me? Here’s a little history lesson for you: Did you ever wonder why some people call subs grinders? It’s because in the earliest days of subs, they were served on whole loaves of Italian bread. The bread would be so deliciously well cooked and crispy that there would be a crunch when you’d bite into it. Sometimes it would be so firm that it’d almost be difficult to bite through it, requiring one to “grind” their teeth against it to eat their subs. I’m fortunate enough to have experienced such sandwiches, and the thought that this is no longer possible makes me so enraged that I might just have to slash my tires to make it so that I don’t drive to the nearest bakery, bust inside with a baseball bat, and do whatever feels right. Even as recently as about 5 years ago you could still get some pretty good Italian bread if you went to the right places. Those days are now gone. A few weeks ago I bought a loaf of Italian bread that made me want to hang myself. I could have soaked a bunch of tampons in a bucket of water for 10 days  and they would have a more satisfying sandwich exterior than this bread did. It was bleach white on the outside and was as malleable as silly putty. It was almost wet to the touch. I guess people are such pussies these days that they’re afraid of a loaf of bread that throws a little bit of a challenge their way. Let’s just go ahead and make everything soft and cuddly. Let’s start making knives out of cotton and bullets out of ky jelly while we’re at it too. People make me sick.

Another area in which undercooking has been a problem as of late is with pizzas. Every pizza I get lately is whiter than the KKK. The crust is always floppy and weak, barely able to support the sauce and toppings above. You can ask for your pizza to be made well done, but the people who make it will usually just ignore your request. I recently got a pizza that was so pale, doughy, and disgusting that I couldn’t bring myself to eat it. It reminded me this one time when I was a kid when I bought a slice of pre-made pizza from a convenience store and was lambasted by this guy who looked like he’d just walked off the set of one of the Godfather movies. He told me something along the lines of “What da hell are you buyin dat gawbage for? If ya threw it at a wall, it’d bounce back atcha!” With this diatribe going through my head, I decided to try a little experiment. I rolled up one of the pizza slices into a ball and took it out to my garage, then cast it toward the cement wall. It didn’t really bounce, it just sort of stuck there and slowly oozed down. Now I was disappointed on two levels. This pizza had failed as both a meal and a source of entertainment. Since then, I always make sure to check the pizza before I leave the restaurant to see if it’s well done enough and if it isn’t, I have them put it back in the oven. I don’t really feel too good about doing this though, because most people don’t want to do their jobs anymore and since I’m actually asking them to do just that, they probably get pissed off and spit on the pizza when I’m not looking. Paranoia and a love of quality pizza can be a bad combination sometimes.

If any of the above apply to you, or if you’re just a plain douchebag, take heart. This article will tell you various ways you can get back at the world you hate so much while armed only with a bag of Cheetos and an unhealthy mind.

1. Destroy some clothing – This one I actually lifted from a Cheetos commercial in which some woman gets pissed off and somebody and throws a bag of  Cheetos into her load of whites at a laundromat.  A more effective way to do this is to just throw a pair of pants that you don’t value that much anymore into someone else’s load of laundry with a few Cheetos in the pocket. Hilarity will ensue when your victim takes their clothes out of the wash only to find them caked in orange stains and grease. This one works especially well if you’re some little bastard kid because you can always just pretend  you forgot the Cheetos were in there or didn’t know they could stain the clothes. So if you’re a kid and  you’re reading this, just remember that your generation is pretty much retarded and excessively spoiled so you might as well use that to your advantage. If your parents won’t get you that new toy you want, just throw some Cheetos in the wash and come up with some insipid excuse as to why you did it then act like you feel really bad. If you whip up enough fake tears, your parents might not only forgive you, but also even buy whatever it was you wanted in the first place. Just remember to be creative with your excuses and insincere. This is a skill you’ll need to hone not just for Cheeto related revenge, but also in the professional world when you grow up.

2. Fun with people’s principles – There are a lot of different routes you can take with this one, but for now I’ll stick with the example of vegetarians and health nazis. If you have a PETA badge carrying vegetarian friend,  scrape some of your Cheetos up against some rare meat you have handy (rare, not raw, unless you really want to be a dick about it) until they’ve taken in some of the meat juices then offer them to your earth-friendly pal. Don’t tell them what you’ve done until after they’ve eaten the Cheetos. Just sit back and watch the fun develop as they force themselves to vomit to rid their systems of the minuscule amount of meat they’ve taken in. Alternately, you can just skip the whole meat rubbing part but just tell them you did it anyway. Wait until after they’ve induced vomiting to tell them you were just pulling their leg. A variation on this would be to tell one of your health nazi friends that Cheetos have banned trans fats, then after they eat them you can reveal that no such action had really been taken.

3. Baby Surprise – This one is only feasible if you have access to a baby that isn’t your own, so I guess this is one you could do if you have to baby sit for somebody you don’t like very much. All you really need to do is take some of the ground up Cheetos, wet your hands a little bit, and rub them all over the baby’s body. The parents will come home and think it was their fault for feeding the kid too many carotine-rich foods. They’ll question their ability as parents and maybe even waste some money on a doctor’s appointment. In the meantime, they won’t be feeding junior any strained carrots. Take that Gerber!

4.  Think Different – This one’s pretty simple. Just go around smashing Cheetos into the screens, keypads, and other instruments of any Apple products you come across. This one isn’t really that much of an asshole move, because in the long run if you deprive people of Apple products you’re actually helping them. However, it would piss enough people off so it stays on the list. I don’t know if anyone will get the Apple reference I made by saying “Think Different”, but it was their old slogan. Explaining that weakens the punch of that title a little bit.

5.  Cheesy Deities- This is another pretty simple one. Take a picture of any random Cheeto you find, claim it somehow forms the image of some religious figure and put it on eBay. Some people out there are willing to believe anything and have pretty deep pockets.  Start the bidding at a high price and watch it go up and up. Use the profit you make to buy more Cheetos and repeat the process. Be a real bastard and rip off on shipping too.

6.  Does the carpet match the curtains? -  It sure as hell won’t after you’re done with it. Visit somebody who’ s just put in a new carpet, preferably light colored, and drop some Cheetos as you’re walking around in the room. Pretend you don’t see them and step on a few, making sure to crunch them as deep into the carpet as you can. This will work even better if the house belongs to somebody who lives near you and you can slip in and out of the house without being noticed. If they don’t see you, they’ll never know you did it and their kids will have to take the rap.

7.  The Chester Cheetah Enema – Are you into kinky sex or have any friends or acquaintances who are? If so,  you might want to try the Chester Cheetah enema. Simply grind up some Cheetos and put them into the enema bag along with a little bit of water and let the good times roll. The recipient of the enema will be in for a shock when they go to evacuate and realize they have a colon full of processed cheese powder.  Pretend you don’t know what happened and watch them try to sue the enema bag company. The look on the judge’s face will be priceless when he hears about the case he’s about to preside over. When they don’t win the case, you can  send them a sympathy card along with a coupon for Cheetos enclosed in it.

8.  Fun at the Movies – If you’re at a movie and you have somebody in a seat near you riding your ass about being on your cell phone, coughing too loud, or anything else, you don’t have to take that shit. Just dump an empty Cheeto bag over their head. They’ll be too busy trying to get the crumbs out of their eyes to bother bitching at you anymore and you can sit back and enjoy the movie.

9.  Ruin Somebody’s meal – There are a lot of different things you can do for this one. Just be creative and use your imagination because the sky’s the limit. If you do a really good job, the person who views your disgusting Cheeto act may come to associate whatever food they were eating with your caperings and may never be able to eat it again. This one works best around rich people, because they’ll probably be having some kind of snobby meal that they spent a lot of money on. Why should they get to dine on lobster and filet mignon when you’re stuck eating steak-ums and frozen dinners every night? Take them down a peg throw a phlegm or puss covered Cheeto their way.

10. Morbid Mayhem – Is the thought of going to an upcoming funeral getting you down? Turn that frown upside down by having a little sadistic, psychotic pleasure with the deceased. Be sure to be one of the first guests to arrive, ideally before the service is ready to begin. You’ll also want to make sure that it’s an open casket service or else your efforts will be for naught. Wait for the undertakers to come out and start talking with the immediate family then make some excuse to leave the room, like saying you have to go to the bathroom or take a call on your cellphone. Make sure the coast is clear then sneak into the viewing room. Take some Cheetos and crumble them over the clothes and wipe them on the face of the corpse. This will work especially well if the deceased has facial hair, as Cheeto crumbs are a bitch to get out of it. You can also put a Cheeto in each of their nostrils for the classic “walrus  tusk” joke.  Sneak back into the room with everyone else then wait for the viewing to begin. The funeral home will be in some hot water when they have to explain to how they wound up making the dearly departed so unpresentable for their final appearance. Just make sure you don’t have any tell-tale Cheeto powder on yourself anywhere or else you might wind up in a coffin too.

11. Cheeto Cheating Kids – Kids are stupid and most of them really like Cheetos. Try getting them to do all your bitchwork for you and telling them you’ll give them a bag of Cheetos as a reward. No matter how good of a job they do, tell them it wasn’t good enough and they haven’t earned their Cheetos. You can also put individual Cheetos onto strings and pull them away just as soon as the kid is about to reach them. You might eventually want to give them the at least a few Cheetos at some point though, or else they probably won’t come back and you won’t get to do this again.

The next time you find yourself bored on a rainy day with nothing to do, I hope you’ll remember this little guide and try out some of the tricks above. You’ve got nothing to lose and a world to gain, possibly including some prison time, but some misanthropic fun with Cheetos is always worth the risk.

I was going to use the Ashton Kutcher scale of annoyingness for each word/experession, but once again I’m having trouble uploading my images due to wordpress sucking ass, so you’ll just to imagine pictures of 1-5 Ashton Kutchers  with a shit eating grin next to each phrase to indicate its level of deplorability

1. “Vaca” for vaction – Three Ashton Kutchers

Nobody ever said this until about a year ago, but now everyone does. It’s only subtracting one syllable, so it’s not like it’s really saving any amount of time, it’s just adding a whole fuckload of annoyance to the listener. I don’t really know why, but for some reason it reminds me of the song “Vacation” by the GoGos which is a song that I hate more than life itself. I suppose it doesn’t make any sense since they actually say vacation correctly in the song, but I’m sure had the expression “vaca” been around back then they would’ve used it. I also despise their song “Our Lips Are Sealed”. I wish their lips were permanently sealed in cement. Once again I’m getting off on a tangent but I have Asperger Syndrome, and that’s what I do.

2. “Ant” for Aunt – 2 Ashton Kutchers

I realize this one is somewhat of a regional dialect so I guess I sort of have to let it go but I still hate it. U is a letter and must be recognized.

3. “Cue-pon” for Coupon – 2 Asthon Kutchers                                                        You don’t call your car a “kewp”, you don’t put “cryoo-tons” on your salad, you don’t clip “cue-pons” from the newspaper. Enough said.

4. Shotgun, when used as a term of reservation – 4 Asthon Kutchers

I haven’t heard anyone say this in about 8 years, but used to hear it all the time in high school. People would say “I’ve got shotgun on those fries”, “I’ve got shotgun on that chair”, “Shotgun no blitz on that vibrator”, etc etc when they saw something they wanted and wished to lay claim to it. I’m not sure who or what was responsible for starting that trend, but if I ever find out who the originator was, they’re getting my foot up their ass.

5. “insert word: FAIL” 3 Ashton Kutchers

This one comes from Failblog, one of the most annoying internet memes in recent memory. I don’t really know why I hate Failblog as much as I do. Being the fuck-up that I am, I should enjoy seeing others out there whose life efforts are as fruitless as mine, but instead it just pisses me off.  Maybe it’s the wording, maybe it’s the popularity of the site, or maybe it’s just some other intangible quality I can’t quite put my finger on, but as Tourettes Guy would say, I hate the shit out of it.

6. “Kleenex” being used for non Kleenex facial tissue – 1 Ashton Kutcher

Kleenex isn’t the only kind of tissue out there. Give Puffs and all of the other brands the respect they deserve and call them by name. If you ever ask me for a Kleenex, be prepared to be denied unless that’s the actual brand I have within my possession.

7. Using “google” as a verb – 5 Ashton Kutchers

Google is the most overrated search engine of all time and should not become a part of our lexicon for in any form other than a noun. In my mind, to google something means to mindlessly devote yourself to it no matter how much ass it sucks. The only thing people are googling these days is google itself.

8. Saying “I itched it/myself” rather than “I scracthed it” 3 Ashton Kutchers

This one doesn’t need much explanation. You never hear anyone who’s just painted their house say they “housed it” instead of painted it and you never hear anyone say “I girlfriended her” after they’ve banged their girlfriend. Why? Because if you use the subject of a sentence where the verb should be it makes you sound like a dumbass. Why doing that with the word itch gets a free pass I will never understand.

9.  “It matters on” instead of “It depends on” – 2 Ashton Kutchers

In all my life I’ve only known one person who has said this and I haven’t seen her in well over ten years, but that annoying phrase of hers still rings in my ears on a daily basis. She was also a huge fan of Smash Mouth, so that doesn’t help her case any.

10. “Booya”- 5 Ashton Kutchers

Anyone who says this should be shot on site.

11. People blowing on babies’ stomachs- 500 Ashton Kutchers

Yes, I understand that this one isn’t a figure of speech and I also understand that I limited my scale to only 5 Ashton Kutchers. However, this is the most annoying action known to mankind so I couldn’t leave it off the list. The penalty for doing this should be similar to the one for saying booya, only the shooting should be carried out in a less humane fashion.

12. “Christening” instead of Baptism – 2 Ashton Kutchers

My mom says this one all the time and I hate it.

13. Calling those small hamburgers “sliders” 1- Ashton Kutcher

I’m pretty sure that’s actually the correct terminology, but I hate it anyway. We need to come up with a new term for those. I suggest “miniature burgers”.

14. “Make Love” instead of “Have Sex”, “Bang”, “Engage in Sexual Intercourse”, or “Hot Depression Injection” (the proper term for sex with me)  – 4 Ashton Kutchers

You would think in a society that is as open about and obsessed with sex as ours is, we’d be able to actually talk about sexual relations without having to resort to hackneyed and nonsensical euphamisms. There’s no such thing as “making love”, the phrase is meaningless.

15. “Sleep Together” – 5 Ashton Kutchers

Same as “make love” only even more annoying. Never say you slept with somebody unless you literally mean that you slumbered alongside them.

There are probably upwards of 1000 more items I could have added to this list, but this is pissing me off too much and I need to go to Wendy’s now to get this off of my mind. Farewell.

1. I couldn’t come up with a better topic for this post

2. Gas prices are once again on the rise

3. The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show barely contains any visible lingerie anymore

4. One can’t go to a grocery store without seeing those John and Kate assholes on the cover of every magazine.

5. “Balloon Dad” wasn’t castrated.

6. Taco Del Mar may not be coming to Connecticut after all.

7. Whoever writes “Eat This, Not That” is still employed

8. Charter Oak Health Insurance is increasing its monthly premiums by more than 20%

9. McDonald’s said they will not bring back the McDLT, ever.

10. 33% of people aged 18-34 are now living with their parents. That means 1 in 3 people are now as pathetic as me (at least in one aspect) and that’s just disturbing.

11. Barack Obama doesn’t like bowling.

12. Depressing fact #10 was grammatically incorrect. I should have said “as pathetic as I am” rather than “as pathetic as me”. Despite the fact that I went through the effort to point that out, I’m still too lazy to change it.

13. Restaurants never sell half sour pickles anymore. It’s always the kosher dill bullshit now.

14. Home Improvement is now on TV Land. Home Improvement is NOT a classic television show. I’d rather watch 5 hours of senior citizens getting catheterized than 5 minutes of Home Improvement.

15. You can’t get a gmail account without giving google your mobile phone number. Fuck you google. Fuck you hard.

16. Without google I wouldn’t have made this post since I’m dependent on those assholes for my website analytics.

17. There aren’t any Rax locations near any airport accessible to me.

18. People are still donating to Quinnipiac University.

19. I can’t find the commercial for Jello when it was first put into single serving cups on youtube.

20. Cool-whip isn’t really completely dairy-free. It contains a small amount of a protein derived from milk.

21. I haven’t done shit to get the preservethe80s store going yet.

1. The Office – For a couple of years now I’ve heard people incessantly quote and talk about this show but I never watched it. That recently changed a few weeks ago when I actually watched a couple of episodes on TBS. The hour or so that I spent watching them was about as enjoyable as the time when I was a kid playing basketball when my friend threw a bounce pass that hit me square in the balls. Usually when people constantly imitate a line from a tv show, it’s much more annoying and much less comical than when the actual character on the show says it. However, when it comes to the “that’s what she said” line from The Office, it’s infinitely more annoying when the character himself says it than it is through any imitator I’ve ever encountered. Most of the characters on the show remind me of the assholes I went to college with who I’d get stuck working with for group projects who would have me do all the work then they’d take all the credit…. but that’s material for another post.

2. The Office (UK version)- I don’t know how popular this show is, at least in America, but I’m assuming it must be very popular in the UK as it was the inspiration for the American version. I’ve never even watched 1 second of this show aside from commercials, and I already hate it more than anything else on tv. I especially hate that blond haired guy on the show who looks like an adult version of that kid from Home Alone. Every time I see him on tv I seriously consider smashing the cable box so I won’t be subjected to his maddening visage again.

3. American Dad – When Family Guy first came out, it was one of my favorite shows on tv. When it finally came back from cancellation, it wasn’t the same show anymore. It became pretty much nothing but meta-humor and a sounding board for Seth MacFarlane’s political views. I’m not saying that he shouldn’t take advantage of the opportunity to let his views and messages be heard, but making them the basis of the show took away from any of the enjoyment I once got out of it. You watch a show like Family Guy to escape from the stresses and problems of life, not to be reminded of them.

I’m getting off the subject a little bit here, but my point is that American Dad is just a clone of Family Guy – not of the Family Guy I once loved but rather of the current Family Guy which is unwatchable. Not one character on the show is even remotely likable. If you took the characters on Family Guy and removed all of the humorous/likable aspects of them, you’d have the cast of American Dad. I despise all of them, but I think I hate the alien most, though the daughter gets a high hate ranking too as she looks like a cartoon version of my pepsi loving ex girlfriend who was once alluded to in a previous post.

4. Friends- Unfortunately Maddox beat me to the punch on this one, but it’s just too shitty of a show not to be mentioned in this article. Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox were hot back when Friends was in production, but that still wasn’t enough to save the show from being a pile of steaming, mucous-laden geriatric shit. I hate the high pitched tinny voices of all the women on the show and I hate the way the men talk even more. I especially despise that Guido type guy with the spiked hair who eventually got his own spin-off. The only episode of Friends that I ever watched all the way through (and it was at a friend’s house so I had no choice) was one where one of the guys on the show gets depressed and two of the women take him to a really pathetic strip club and he won’t stop wearing sweat pants. What the fuck kind of a plot is that for a show? The answer, a shitty one. Friends also has the most annoying theme song of any show aside from The Nanny.

5. The Nanny- Do I really need to explain this one?

6. Ren and Stimpy- I never even saw this show, but an asshole I went to elementary school loved it and that’s reason enough for me to hate it.

7. Fraggle Rock – This is an older one, but I’ve hated this show ever since I was in nursery school. I seemed to be the only kid in the 2-8 year old age bracket who didn’t like it. I hated the songs, I hated the characters, I hated the props, I hated the puppeteers, and I hated the channel that put it on the air. Already a budding misanthrope during the time when Fraggle Rock was being made, I’d fantasize about the hippie-ish fraggle having some kind of accident whilst painting and succumbing to blood poisoning or the hyperactive one with the red hair getting too excited and running off a cliff any time I got stuck having to watch an episode.

I don’t have the time to write too much more tonight so I’ll just list off some other beloved shows I despise. The (dis)honorable mention list is as follows: Home Improvement, Phenom, Barney Miller, WKRP in Cincinatti, I Love Lucy, A Different World, Punk’d, Jackass, Undeclared, The Dating Game, How I Met Your Mother, Family Ties, Anime in general, Perfect Strangers, Step by Step, Sliders, Star Trek Voyager, Deep Space Nine, Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader, American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, and many others, but I’ll stop here because if there’s not enough space on the entire Internet to fit the rest of this list.

Turkey pastrami is yet another example of modern day food vendors giving in to pressure from the health nazis. I’ve seen similar things happen with chicken sausage and turkey burgers being sold in stores as well as with salads being sold as parts of value meals at fast food restaurants. Disguising health food as something palatable isn’t going to make your dining experience more enjoyable. It’s just going to make you slowly forget the good memories you have of your favorite fattening foods until they’re reduced to just a former shell of their once great stature, much like watching any post-1999 episode of the Simpsons will do for a die hard fan of the show.

Sometimes people give me shit for eating pastrami on Italian bread instead of rye bread. Don’t eat your sandwiches on rye bread just because it’s the cool deli thing to do. If you like rye bread, go ahead and use it, but if you don’t just stick with the bread you’re comfortable with. Never be ashamed of who you are, unless you’re that asshole in Hamden who once threw a jolly rancher at me. That’s not really germane to the topic at hand, but I figured I’d throw it in.

Getting back to my point, turkey pastrami is something that just plain should not exist. I actually bought an 1/8lb of it to see if it was as bad as I thought it would be and it was worse. I’m actually glad I didn’t enjoy it though, because if I did that might have been grounds for suicide. The next time you’re at a grocery store, give the health nazis a big Fuck You by buying a pound of mortadella and a slab of bacon and mixing the 2 together, topping it off with a six pack of Milwaukee’s Best. Milwaukee’s Best may be cheap, but it gets the job done.

On another irrelevant yet worth mentioning note, the girl in front of me in line at the deli counter in Adams had a pretty nice ass.

My favorite picture on the Internet that isn't of Vida Guerra

Take a look at the above picture. Have you ever seen such a beautiful sight before? Unless you’ve gone to Wendy’s and ordered one of these in person, you have not. This picture is of a new burger at Wendy’s known to us mere mortals as the Triple Baconator. It features 3/4 lbs of meat with 9, count ‘em, 9 strips of bacon. The fact that this burger exists is sufficient proof that there is life beyond the grave, because there is no way I will ever believe that this burger was not the work of the genius of Dave Thomas. However, one does need to do just a little bit of tweaking in order to get this cavalcade of deliciousness just right. First off, you need to ask for it without ketchup. Ketchup should never be included on anything. Secondly, you should request that it be made without cheese as a substance as lowly and gutteral as cheese is but an insult to the Triple Baconator. The third, and might I add the most important modification that you should make is to put a packetful of Wendy’s Buttery Best Spread on to the Triple Baconator. (Butter makes everything infinitely more delicious) All you have to do is ask the person at the counter for 4 butter packets and they’ll kindly hand them over to you. Why 4 you ask? You need 4 because you’re obviously getting 2 Triple Baconators since nobody can eat just one, and you’ll want a large order of fries to go with each of them. If you use 1 packet of butter per each burger and order of fries, you should be okay, but if you want more you can always ask. Here’s a free tip: If you want your butter to melt on contact, put the butter packets into the cartons of french fries for about two minutes before opening them. This way the butter will be semi-solid upon being opened and will melt on contact with your burgers.

In these modern days of health food stores, kid’s meals that contain milk and yogurt, new diets popping up everywhere, and some health nazi getting in your face about dieting everywhere you go, it’s nice to know there’s a company out there still looking out for the fat guy (or the fat at heart, as the case may be and no, I don’t mean clogged arteries) Thank you Wendy’s for giving me a reason to get up each morning and make it through the long work days. I may be dead in 5 years from a heart attack, but if I can convince the ambulance driver to stop at Wendy’s on the way to the hospital, you’d best believe I’ll die with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

As impractical and unrealistic as these kind of spam e-mails were, a certain amount of creativity and (albeit it very weak) mental effort was put forth to come up with these thirty second escapes from all things relevant which sadly in some cases actually worked on a select and gullible few. (At least some effort was required when the template for the form letter was made) The spammers of today are of a lazier breed than those in the golden age of spam. Now it seems as though they don’t even care if they take anybody in or not. They no longer pay any attention to demographics or the websites you’ve visited. I’ve done a good amount of traveling in my life and I’ve watched my fair share of porn, but I can guarantee you that I’ve never once been to Vietnam or had an interest in porn featuring goats banging Vietnamese stable maids. Despite this, on a fairly regular basis I receive spam promising access to just that and for only pennies a day. I also get e-mails on a daily basis from the URI alumni association (I never attended URI), petitions from pro choice groups telling me now is the time to protect my body and insure my right to an abortion (I don’t possess a vagina), senior discounts for various online stores, notifications of $500 shopping sprees to Victoria’s Secret that I’ve supposedly won, and offers for merchandise about various sports teams that I don’t give a rat’s ass about. (I’ve never watched a Cleveland Browns game, never cared about the Kansas City Royals, and never even knew about the Ft. Wayne Mad Ants).

As sad and puzzling as these demographically misguided spams are, there are others that are far more pathetic and project a true lack of effort and heart on the part of the spammers of today. These include the ones where the subject line is something like “Hey suga wanna huk up?” or “Local girls want you to fuck their brains out tonight!”. As much as I’d like to believe it, I’m pretty sure the latter isn’t true and even if it were, an e-mail that has a subject line but is otherwise blank isn’t exactly going to help me get to this supposed fantasy fuck fest. Then you have the ones that will just say something like “Miley Cyrus nude Paris Hilton shoves telephone booth ass New Jersey english muffin dildo NASA predicts lunar changes cellophane tape football jersey applesauce horny schoolgirl Uganda Ted Bundy wood glue!” These ones are computer generated and the lack of human touch shows. I don’t want to live in a cold lonely world where I can only receive unwanted e-mails that are of no use to me through machines rather than straight from the greasy fingers of some poor fat, bespectacled, hygiene lacking, socially unskilled (even compared to me) real live pathetic Internet user unsuccessfully attempting to con me out of money I don’t have. Where’s the love in that? Get off your asses, or more correctly, on them, and start sending us real live spam again or just give it up.

PS: I already realize the irony of the fact that I wrote this article about being pissed off by spammers yet most of my comments are from spambots, so don’t bother pointing it out.

From: Fred O’Regan, International Fund for Animal Welfare <fred@ifaw1.org>

I’ve just received an urgent report that another city in China is planning a mass cull to slaughter any unregistered dogs, strays, and even registered family dogs that are over 14 inches (35cm) tall.

Dog owners in Qinhuangdao, Hebei Province, are even being told to kill their own dogs, or else their dogs will be beaten to death by the police and the owners will be charged a fine. Can you imagine being forced to kill your own dog to save it from a more brutal slaughter?

Unless we can stop this now, the Dog Death squads could be roaming the streets tomorrow – beating, stoning, and killing dogs – some right in front of their owners.

You might remember the attached e-mail I sent you recently about a similar cull. We found out too late for many of those dogs, but this time we have a chance to stop it before it starts.

I need you to do two things right now:
1. Send an e-mail to the Chinese Ambassador in your country. So you can act quickly, I’ve written an e-mail for you – click here to review and send it.

2. Make a donation to help IFAW end dog culls in China and to protect animals around the world from similar cruelty.

It’s crucial that you act quickly –according to the government notice, the police will begin combing the streets tomorrow to kill dogs. Please send your message now, and then forward this e-mail to as many of your friends as possible urging them to help us stop this slaughter.

In addition to working to stop this cull, IFAW is helping draft China’s first national animal welfare legislation that will prohibit culls like this. And we’re developing a rabies vaccination and sterilization program that we can offer to rural communities to humanely prevent rabies and control dog populations.

We’ve stopped culls like this in other Chinese cities, and we can stop this one too! Please send your message of protest today.

And then please make a donation to help us continue our efforts to help save animals around the world from cruelty and exploitation.

Please act now to save these dogs – make it the very next thing you do.

Thank you,

Fred

I hate flying on Southwest, but that isn’t what I intended to write this article about. What I want to propose is a new rule for airlines that will make air travel significantly less annoying and miserable.

My idea is this: parents traveling with children under six years of age need to sit in a separate designated section of the plane, away from other travelers. They should be assigned to the rear seats with a curtain, at the very least separating them from the other passengers. Ideally there’d be some kind of soundproofing system as well, but money wise that may not be feasible. On second thought, screw feasibility, I want the sound barriers.

Several of my otherwise mildly unpleasant flights have been made into 3 hour trips to hell by little kids and their parents who won’t discipline them. On my last flight, I was seated next to a 2 year old who spent the whole flight kicking and scratching me. He only stopped doing this for two brief periods. One was to sneeze then wipe his snot on my arm, and the other was to start climbing the back of the seat in front of him as the plane was landing. The other passengers were all gawking and going on and on about how adorable the little shit was, but I’m sure if they were seated next to him they’d be singing a different tune. The kid’s mother did nothing to stop this and was not admonished even once by the cabin crew. On another flight, I was directly in front of one kid who kept spitting on me while making machine gun sound effects and next to another who shit his pants not once, not twice, but thrice during the flight. As annoying as all of these experiences were, there was one flight that was even more annoying than all of these put together. This one I don’t even blame on the kid but rather on his dumbass mother. I was flying from Minneapolis to San Diego about 3 years ago and was next to a hot but annoying woman who had a toddler with her who I would guess was about a year old. For a kid that age, he was pretty well behaved and wasn’t doing anything annoying. Surprisingly, he kept quiet through the boarding and takeoff and wasn’t making a nuisance of himself. About five minutes after we got up into the air, the trouble began. The hot but retarded mother of the kid started needling him, actually trying to make him cry. She kept saying shit like, “Oh honey it’s okay if you cry, it’s only natural and I won’t be upset. Come on Connor, don’t be afraid to cry. It won’t upset anyone else, they’re all expecting it and they won’t be bothered. Cry, it’s okay, start crying.”

This went on for about an hour, and the entire time I was pretty much in shock. It’s one thing to be near an annoying, loud mouthed kid on a plane and for the parent to not do anything about it, but actually encouraging your kid to be disruptive and annoying brings rudeness up to a whole new level. After about an hour of her prodding, the kid eventually did start crying as loud as he could and didn’t stop for the duration of the flight, which close to three hours. Once the kid started crying, his mother congratulated him, then she turned to the other passengers and started beaming with self satisfaction and going on and on about how she worries that her son doesn’t express his emotions enough and how you can’t stifle the beautiful natural actions of a child. Anybody who commits a violation like this should be automatically sterilized on the spot. Everyone around her was pretty fucking pissed off, but I think it bothered me more than anyone else. I was hoping for the plane to crash because even though it would mean that I’d meet a gruesome and painful death, it would stop this bitch before she could reach an orgasm from self congradulation and that would be well worth it.

In closing, I urge you all to write your congressman or whoever the hell else you think you can write to about this matter and hopefully within our lifetimes, experiences like these can come to an end. (Except for people who have little kids, but I guess they can sit back there and have fun with the beautifully naturally hellish behavior of their offspring.)

Any time I see a lingerie commercial, boyshorts are there. Any time I’m around a girl who’s talking about lingerie, she always mentions boyshorts. For one thing, I don’t really like the name of them. I don’t really enjoy having any sexual item I come into contact with having the word “boy” in it. I also don’t really like the way they kind of go down in the front of the legs of the woman wearing them. They’re just kind of boxy looking and don’t quite seem like underwear. I guess I’m in the minority on this one because they seem to be more popular today than those shoes with bells on them were in the middle ages.

What happened to thongs? As a lifelong assman, I was happier than anyone when they became a wardrobe staple for most women about 10 years ago. Boyshorts are, in my mind, the anti thong. Some people tell me I shouldn’t be complaining about that, because eventually if sex is going to happen, whatever panties that are on will eventually come off so it shouldn’t matter. People who tell me this are forgetting that I’m the same guy who comes close to having a stroke whenever I’m served a sandwich that has the condiments under the meat rather than on top of it. When it comes to my hangups, I don’t fuck around.

Speaking of thongs, I’m soon going to be selling preservethe80s thongs when I get the preservethe80s online store up and running, which should be in less than a month. Other items will also be sold, though I’m hoping thongs will be the top seller. What could be hotter than a thong with a picture of a 15 year old jar of relish on it? Nothing my friends, nothing.

When the business isn’t coming in, pictures of Big Bird in prison are made.

In each drawing, the guy with the cart says “Would you like something to read?”

In the first drawing, Big Bird asks “Do you have any issues of Self Magazine?”

In the second drawing, Big Bird doesn’t reply.

In the third drawing, Big Bird first says “So cold…” then “Get the hell out of here!”

In the last drawing, Snuffy’s visit to Big Bird goes horribly awry and prison rape ensues. Snuffy says “Rub a dub dub BITCH!” and when asked if he wants something to read, Big Bird replies “Fuck your books, I’m being raped!”

Axe Deodorant- I hate all of the Axe commercials. They all feature some douche bag guy/guys striking out with women, then using their product and finding it’s the biggest aphrodisiac since a fat wallet, box of chocolates, and a ten inch cock. The saddest part is, apparently this marketing campaign must be working because the commercials have followed this same basic premise for the past five years or so. Pimply faced young dumbasses by the thousands must be flocking to their local Walgreens to buy this in hopes that it’ll help them get laid, but it never will. As a guy who women have been finding repulsive for more than a quarter of a century, I speak with some authority on this subject – it doesn’t matter what brand of deodorant you use, if you don’t have money, good looks, personality, a nice car, trendy clothes, etc you aren’t going to get laid. End of discussion. Damn you Axe for building false hopes in the naive and stupid.

Yogurt (not sure which brand) – The fact that this series of yogurt commercials sticks in my mind enough to annoy me, yet not enough to allow me to remember what brand of yogurt it’s for pretty well illustrates how much ass it sucks. I really don’t need to say anything more about it than that, but I’m going to. The commercials I’m talking about are the ones that feature that vapid looking douche and his bitchy wife who always refers to him as “babe”. One of the two assholes is always on the phone with somebody talking about eating various seemingly fatty desserts whilst being on a diet. Over the course of the commercial, it’s always revealed that they’re not talking about the actual desserts, but rather low fat yogurts that have the flavor of the desserts. I can’t decide if I hate the guy or his wife more, both of them are more intolerable to me than not being the center of attention is for Brad Pitt… which brings me to the next commercial I hate.

I don’t know if I’m getting the title of this movie right (and I don’t really care) but I think it’s called Glorious Bastards. It’s another multi hour shitfest churned out by Quentin Tarrentino and I’ve been seeing commercials for it non-stop as of late and I’m getting pretty tired of them. The movie stars Brad Pitt, who is among my very most hated of celebrities. The commercials for the movie seem to indicate that it is a comedy based around army officers trying to kill Nazis during World War II. One especially annoying scene that seems to be in all of the trailers for the movie is a guy playing Hitler saying “Nein nein nein!” then Brad motherfucking-i love myself-i get to fuck angelina jolie and you don’t-i have a goatee that makes me look like even more of an asshole Pitt says “Oh yes yes yes”. I don’t know why that scene annoys me so much, but it does. If a commercial for this movie comes on again tonight and I see it, something or somebody is going to pay, and that’s a promise.

“Truth” anti tobacco ads – If there existed a place where the inhabitants were forced to spend all day changing old people’s depends using only their teeth while simultaneously being slashed by razor blades and having acid poured all over their bodies, I’d rather spend a week there than sit through a truth anti tobacco commercial. We all know smoking is bad for us. We don’t need to watch film-school style commercials filled with young hipsters annoying tobacco companies and spouting off statistics to tell us that. It’s like watching some combination of an low budget educational video and a Tom Green sketch. Every time I see one of these commercials, I get the uncontrollable urge to drive to Cumberland Farms and buy two cartons of Marlboros. One would be for myself, and the other would be to open up and toss cigarettes out to all the kids I see on my way home. Quitting smoking is always a good thing, but if anyone ever quits because of these commercials, I sincerely hope they start again because their lives are not ones that should be lengthened.

Well there you have it, a small sample of some of the commercials that piss me off. Try watching them for a while and you’ll become just as bitter and angry as me.

Jack in the Box plans for national expansion, beginning next year. Even though predictably enough, New England will be the last region to get a Jack in the Box, they do still plan to come here, most likely before the end of the next decade. Though it’s no Carl’s Jr, Whataburger, or In N Out, Jack in the Box is still head and shoulders above McDonald’s and Burger King.

The incontinence rate at Groton Regency Center has gone down for the past 3 consecutive years. This is a claim any convalescent home would be proud to boast. In 2006, they had a rate of 60%, which went down to 49% in ’07, an at the end of last year, it stood at an impressive 29%. Unless you happen to work for the company that makes Depends, that little tidbit of news has to put a bit more bounce into your step.

Lots of people are complaining about how much Bruno sucked. I now feel validated in writing my anti Bruno post.

I’m listed on some website as being better than Pete Wentz. I don’t know who Pete Wentz is or why someone thinks I’m better than him, but it’s something to feel less melancholy about.

The guy in front of me in line at Adams almost dropped a jar of jelly but managed to catch it before it could hit the ground. In doing so he either saved himself about $3 or a jelly-less week. (depending on whether or not he’d have bought another jar to replace the broken one)

If you too take the time to count your blessings, some day you may get to be as cheerful and well adjusted as I am. May God help you if that happens.